Hanging By a Thread

An Apology: Not Quite Myself

Yesterday, I was the person I complain about. I was not very friendly. I was curt. I was kind of a bitch. That wasn't my intention. I really didn't mean it. That's not who I am…on most days.

I was anxious and stressed. I'm not even sure why. Maybe it was the dull gray sky and wet drizzly rain making everything seem smeared and fractured. Or maybe something else. Who knows? The point is I was jittery and frazzled.

The boys and I were scheduled to volunteer at Feed My Starving Children. We were glad to go and excited to give our time, but it was our first time doing this. We didn't know what to expect.

There are a lot of rules and precision and hair nets and gloves involved, understandably so, but this made my stress level go up a notch. I was there with people I did not know; stress went up another notch. I had to monitor each boy plus man my station; bump, bump, bump stress level was now soaring.

I like to follow the rules in these types of situations. I don't like to mess up. And I was really trying to focus on our tasks at hand and remember all the rules.

The other mother working with me also had two boys, but they had been there several other times and knew what they were doing. She was friendly and tried to chat with me. I answered her, but I was VERY brief, and I didn't ask her any questions in return…it's hard for me to chat and focus on a new task.

She was kind when we made mistakes or when my boys didn't realize it was their turn to dump their ingredients into the bag. I was harsher and more direct, telling my boys to "pay attention" or "focus on what you're doing" or "be careful not to spill – we don't want to waste any."

I felt my face contort into a serious, focused façade and stay that way throughout the process. I felt my muscles tense and my back begin to ache as I stiffly stood there scooping, bagging, weighing and watching my kids, answering their questions, steadying their hands and keeping their minds on their jobs.

I was relieved when it was over. My kids said they felt good about what they had done. They loved helping in a group and then hearing that we had packed a total of 52 boxes, enough to feed 31 kids for a year. They were happy and joyful. I was tired and achy and thankful to be done. And then I felt guilty to feel that way, which made me feel more anxious.

I was trying to be positive and kind when I thanked the woman who had organized this homeschool opportunity, and told her this experience was very educational; I knew I'd be lying if I told her it was fun.

I came home feeling terrible that I had given the kind woman across from me such an awful first impression of me. I'm usually the talker, as those who know me would attest to, but I just didn't have it in me yesterday.

Do you ever have days like this? These dark days leading up to winter are always the hardest for me, but truthfully it can happen on any day in any season. I hate days like this. It's not me. And yet, I am reminded of My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss when I feel this way.

Some days are bright and yellow and some are dark and black and others are happy pink days, but in the end we go back to being ourselves.

So, to the friendly lady, I'm sorry you met me on a dreary gray day. I hope we meet again on a bright and buzzy day. Here's to a better rest of the week. Over and out…

Anna

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Motherly Advice: Be Nice To Each Other

"BE NICE TO EACH OTHER!"

It's something parents of siblings say often. If you're a mom or dad, you know what I mean. Some days it's enough to my make me feel as though I'm losing my mind! But it's an important and simple lesson to learn. So, we keep saying it when our kids are spouting insults, slapping, shoving and generally being ugly to one another.

We, as human beings, should be kind to one another. And, as parents, we ask our kids to "be nice" and tell them "no hitting", "no pushing", "no yanking away toys from another kid", "no biting", "no whining" from an early age.

So, you'd think that we, as adults, understood this lesson ourselves, right? Well, so very often, I see the opposite.

Adults are frequently unkind to one another online with Facebook posts and comments or in news story comments; in person when standing at the grocery store checkout line or at a customer service counter; in cars while driving, when in line to pick up kids from school, etc, etc, etc.

So, why is this behavior from adults acceptable?

We wouldn't let our kids act this way, would we?

At times, there is a fine line between standing up for yourself and others and being rude or unkind, it's a line I have often come right up against. And I'm sure I've crossed it at times.

However, it's always my goal to be kind to others; reach out a helping hand; inspire positive action. And as unkind as my boys can be to one another, I hope and pray that we are instilling a loving kindness in their hearts and souls.

We, as humankind, cannot survive, without kindness for one another. Each and every one of us, have and will, encounter times in which we are in need of a hand to hold or a rope lowered down to pull us up from the deep hole we've fallen into or an sympathetic ear to listen to us or a kind word or a warm meal or even just a smile that gives us the strength and confidence to move forward, knowing we are not alone.

So, when someone cuts you off in line or the person in front of you presents 50 coupons to the clerk and you're in hurry or someone isn't kind to you or somehow gets in your way or offends you or bothers you, BE PATIENT, BE KIND, BE LOVING.

It's really very simple…that's what I tell my kids…it's not hard to just BE NICE! So, why do we so very often slip into crabby, mean, unkind, selfish, rude human beings?

This is my challenge to you {and to me}: Stop, Think and BE KIND! I think we'll find this will put us in better spirits and change our automatic reactions to thoughtful responses. This is my hypothesis…and I'm out to prove me right. Call it the Pollyanna Effect. Over and out…

{Polly} Anna

Simple Pleasures

 Our days seem to go by faster and faster. We always have something going on. But yesterday I was reminded of several simple pleasures that I'd forgotten about or perhaps taken for granted. I like simple, unhurried, go with the flow kind of days, where one thing flows into the next with ease. And yesterday was that kind of day.

We went to the market and took our time perusing veggies and fruits and meat and cheese and coffee and flowers and embroidered tapestries and more. I took in the colors and sounds and smells. I bought onions and carrots and lettuce and squash and strawberries and corn and leeks and eggs and more. I picked out a vibrant bouquet that the Hmong farmers so elegantly arrange and display.

We came home and I spent the next 4 hours busily working in the kitchen, making jam and pickling strawberries….yes, strawberries, cutting up melons and cucumbers and making my favorite summer dish of slow roasted tomatoes with onion and basil over pasta and arranging the flowers I bought at the market.

Now, years ago, I used to get a flower bunch at the market every weekend and arrange the flowers in to multiple bouquets in vases and bottles and cups throughout our house, giving us beautiful flowers all week. Alas, it's been a long while since I did that, but I don't know why.

These brightly hued flowers give me such joy. The bouquet costs $5, and I made 6 arrangements from that bunch of flowers.

As I separated the flowers to begin creating these arrangements, I realized how much I'd missed doing this. And when I finished the 6 different arrangements and placed them throughout my home, I made a mental note to do this every week until the end of the season. After all, $5 is not so much for a simple pleasure that lasts all week long.

Then, a friend texted me saying she needed to get out and walk and talk and would I join her. I had just been thinking how much I'd missed walking at my favorite lake this summer…of course I'd join her. We walked, we talked, the sun sank low, the clouds were backlit with neon pink, the sun slipped beneath the horizon, downtown lit up with blue and pink and white and green lights, all the while we walked and we talked and talked.

Have you ever noticed the most important talking takes places after the walk or after the movie or after the meal, in the car, outside one friend's house? Well, it's true…think about it.

Again, I realized how much I'd been missing this walking and talking. It's the simple things that help us stay focused and feel less stress and more connected to the people and places around us.

And then, I sat reading Lord of the Rings to my son; something we've been doing together for a while. Occasionally, I'd stop and we'd discuss a particular point or word or character or location created by Tolkien. Eventually, he fell asleep, but when I tried to retrieve his glasses he woke up and insisted he hadn't been sleeping, merely resting his eyes, and begged me to keep reading a bit more. I did…until I was certain he was indeed asleep.

This is our thing. My husband reads other books to them. My younger son has usually already fallen asleep by the time I start reading Tolkien. So, this is something that is ours, my 9 year-old and I.

I love to read to my kids. I've been doing it since they were born, but often work or other household tasks get in my way, and then my husband reads to them. It's been a while since we'd picked up Lord of the Rings, and I had missed those sacred times, which made me appreciate it all the more.

It's the simple things that enrich our lives. It's the simple things that can make or break a day. It's the simple things that sustain us. It's up to us to take note of them, to immerse ourselves in these tiny pleasures and be thankful for these moments in our otherwise busy lives. Over and out…

Anna

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All in Good Time {Timelines and Lifetimes}

Life is all about timing. Maybe you already had this figured out, but I'm just starting to catch on. I have always had a hard time with the concept of time though….

This past spring, during Lent, I found a list of tasks for each day leading up to Easter, and I followed it as best as an unstructured, time-disabled person can. I was doing pretty well until I got to Day 23: Introduce yourself to a neighbor.

I wanted to check this entry off my list. I intended to do it. I knew which neighbor it would be. I was even glad to see that item on the list amid the pray for your enemies, don't turn on the radio while in the car, take 5 minutes of silence at lunch, forgive someone, etc.

A new family had moved in across from us late last summer. Their kids had come to play with the other neighborhood kids a few times before the weather turned cold and we'd all retreated into our homes to hibernate for the winter. I had briefly introduced myself in the dark of Halloween night and had invited the kids over for snow fort building and hot chocolate during Christmas break, but I hadn't really talked to the mom.

This was a good excuse to really meet her and talk to her…it was on my list, after all; a task to mark off. It should have been easy, but I was feeling lonely and alone and uncertain around this time last spring. I was too timid about being rejected or it seeming strange that I decided to show up at her door 9 months after they had moved in to introduce myself just to say "Hello and welcome to the neighborhood." And I wasn't sure what she'd say if I tried to explain that I was following a Lenten list of tasks and I'd chosen her for my neighbor to meet.

….So…I didn't...

And then, finally, I had a chance to meet her and talk to her in late spring; oddly enough, it was at the little league fields even though we live kitty corner from each other. Well, it turns out we have a ton in common, besides having sons with the same name. And I wondered why had it taken me so long to meet her and talk to her because now I have a new friend.

Maybe I lost time in making a friend last spring or maybe it was all in good time.

I don't think anything happens by accident or without some purpose. I think that everything is interwoven even when we don't see the connection or reasons right away. All the points of significance or perhaps seemingly insignificance eventually form the images of our lives, giving clarity to all those dots.

All in good time we make friends, lose a job, find faith, learn a lesson, dodge a bullet, have our hearts broken, get an answer, seek a path, change directions, open the door to opportunity, grow a family, get lost, lose hope, find strength, pursue passions, experience a miracle, live.

We can't hurry the course of time; our timelines and lifetimes. We must be patient and allow our lives to play out in various tempos…sometimes racing by and sometimes dragging on….learning and waiting and living and seeking, opening and closing, waxing and waning.

And all in good time, over the last six months, I have begun building friendships, not feeling so lonely and alone; it's a good feeling. It's also a lesson I must remember; be patient, be still. Over and out…

Anna

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The Truth Has Set Me Free {on Finding Friends}

A few months ago, I was open and honest and put it out there for everyone to read. I said I was lonely. I said I didn't have any close friends nearby to hang out with, laugh with, chat with to feel a part of something with.

I was afraid what would happen when I typed those words out. I was afraid no one would hear me, and if they did hear me, maybe no one cared. I was afraid I would confirm that I was truly alone.

The words were straight from my heart. I had tried to hold them back for a while, but truth can't be held back, and they just kept pushing their way out, willing my fingers to strike the keys, spelling out the words that left me completely exposed.

It's human nature to want to be accepted and included and liked and understood. Age matters not, we all crave friendship. Friendship gives us a support system and validates the idea that we are not alone in this world.

I knew not what would happen when I admitted I was feeling isolated and alone; that I wanted to find friends that I could rely on, confide in and have fun with.

The response I received made me so glad that I shared my deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings on this topic. What I heard was, "You are not alone. I feel this way too."

And then, a curious thing happened. Some people that I had only counted as acquaintances or friends in an arms-length kind of way responded to my raw confession of loneliness. It turns out they understood how I was feeling. They, too, were looking to build real, lasting friendships.

We began to talk more, confide more, hang out more. I formed a book club with an eclectic, interesting, engaging group of ladies. I invited other moms from my sons' school to get together for a happy hour and now it's a monthly date. I'm getting to know a new neighbor; we have a lot in common.

I'm not alone. I spoke up. I was honest with my feelings. I reached out. I'm so glad. The truth has set me free. I should have said something earlier. Over and out…

Anna

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Chasing the Sun {Summer 2014 Bucket List}

This is the time of year I start to get antsy.

Every June I have a deadline for a big work project. I sit hour after hour at my computer during the winter as the snow falls and then through the spring as the snow melts away and teases us with a warmer day here or there and then the sun begins to stay up a bit longer and warm, shiny afternoons beckon to me from the window, and still, I sit working at my computer. Eventually, school comes to an end and my kids are excited for summer break to begin, and still, I sit working at my computer.

I began to get restless and fidgety. I try to make deals with myself about working for so long and then taking a break for a fun little adventure. I work deep into the night so that I can be out in the warm shiny days and lovely lingering evenings with birds calling and bunnies scampering and kids laughing.

And then, finally, when I think I can't stand it for a minute more, I finish my work and my summer break begins.

I love Minnesota for all of its beautiful seasons, but summer is so long awaited and free from schedules that it has become my favorite. And I think it is because of our long, cold winters that there are so many wonderful things scheduled from June 1^st to August 31^st each year.

It's hard to fit everything in, but we pack in a ton. Some things we do every summer, sometimes on a weekly basis; others things on our list are firsts. And the greatest thing of all is that so many summer activities are free! 

We make memories and create traditions all summer long that carry us through those seemingly endless cold, snowy days and nights in the winter. Here's what on our bucket list this summer…

1. Picnics at Lake Harriet Bandshell; a favorite tradition and favorite place; music (every single day through the summer), picnic dinners, awesome playground, beautiful views and walking/biking paths.
2. Swim at Bryant Lake Beach; one of our favorite swimming beaches.
3. Week on the TX Gulf Coast with family at our favorite beach; one of my favorite things ever.
4. Swim at the pool at least once a week, meeting up with lots of friends.
5. Visit Johnson Space Center in Houston, a trip we always look forward to; each time our experience is different since the boys' ages are too.
6. MN Zoo Giant Bugs exhibit and playing at the splash pad and playground and seeing all the familiar animals.
7. How to Train Your Dragon 2. I really loved Hiccup and Toothless in the first movie and seriously am so excited about this movie…it better live up to my expectations.
8. Outdoor Movies at Centennial Lakes; another beautiful, free, outdoor venue for music, movies, picnics, strolls, mini golf and lawn bowling.
9. Shakespeare in the Park; I love Shakespeare and there happens to be one in a park very near to me this year. It's Comedy of Errors; always a good one. And it's the one I saw outdoors in London one summer long ago.
   
10. MN Sculpture Garden Mini Golf; very tricky, artistic challenging golf, that is. Or mini golf at Centennial Lakes or putt putt at a park nearby, or maybe all three.
11. Open Field at Walker Art Center; Sunday afternoons are the perfect time for us to hang out in this space. I love to take a picnic, go to church and then walk over to the Walker and hang out all afternoon in the Open Field space. There are all kinds of activities from sports to games to arts and crafts to musical instruments and more there for the using.
12. Conduct a "Best Ice Cream in Twin Cities" Tasting Tour. We are pretty pumped up about this one. The Twin Cities has some REALLY good ice creams and custards! This one will be an all summer activity. We have already begun planning it out.
13. Attend at least one parade, even if it's the State Fair parade.
14. Visit Family in Texas; we love this road trip tradition.
15. Watch at least one fireworks exhibit; so many to choose from around here.
16. Golf; with my husband; with friends; and maybe with my boys (after their lessons this summer). I'm really not good, but I really enjoy playing.
17. Ride the new Green Line from Union Depot Station in St. Paul to Minneapolis stopping at the MN State Capitol, the Weisman Art Museum, Ax-man Surplus and exploring several cultures along the way. (Green Line opens June 14^th)
18. Pick berries at least once; blueberries, raspberries and strawberries available around here. So good!
19. Dine al fresco as often as possible; the possibilities are endless around here, but my favorite is W. A. Frost.
20. Go to at least one Minnesota History Center's Nine Nights of Music; this has been on the list for several years and we still haven't made it there yet. I think this is the year for it. Plus we want to explore their Toy Exhibit inside too.
21. Pizza on the Farm; two favorites: A to Z in Stockholm, WI off the Great River Road (amazing drive – even if I can't eat the pizza, it's worth it) and Red Barn Farm in Northfield (run by a friendly family from the barn/kitchen behind their home and they have a gluten free crust option that's really tasty!) Both options are relaxing, beautiful, full of animals and gardens and flowers and magnificent views of farm land. We love this tradition. Oh, and if you go to A to Z, go early so they don't sell out and so that you have time to stop at the pie shop in tiny, picturesque Stockholm to pick up dessert or stop on the way home for really great ice cream at Flat Pennies on the Great River Road). Remember you bring the plates, napkins, blanket or table and chairs, pizza cutter, candlesticks, flower arrangements, salad, apps, desserts, vino, lemonade, whatever you decide is necessary for your meal. And you take everything, even the pizza box, back out with you! Oh, there are bathrooms available in both locations! I don't go that rustic.
    
22. Go to a drive-in movie theater; eyeing the one in Litchfield right now.
23. Of course, we plan to frequent Riverview Theater too; we love this little, old (cheap) theater; some great classics being played this summer too.
24. Visit Little Mekong Night Market in St. Paul (near the Western Ave station on the Green Line).
25. MN State Fair; enough said
26. Throw a Lego Movie themed birthday party; working on figuring this one out…
27. Read, Read, Read
28. Writing, writing, writing
29. Adventure, Adventure, Adventure

Summer is an attitude. It's stopping at the fruit stand on the side of the road and then sitting in your car, eating a peach with warm juice running down your arms to your elbows and dripping down your chin; it's doing nothing but reading a book all afternoon on a quilt on a grassy hill; it's picnicking on any night of week, just because you can; it's swimming until your fingers and toes are all puckered and wrinkly and your shoulders are pink from a bit too much sun; it's finding out about an activity, location or event and piling into the car, heading there on a whim; it's ice cream long after bedtime; it's sitting around a fire pit, looking up into the pitch dark sky searching for stars; it's pulling over to read historical markers, following maps, visiting tourist traps, stepping back into history and soaking up as much sun as possible.

Here's to squeezing every last drop out of summer and making memories that last a lifetime. Over and out….

Anna

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Emotional Range {3 Separate Asides}

Connected in Thought and Feeling

I am forever connected to my children through invisible lines that stretch endless distances carrying various emotions to and fro. I feel what they feel. I hurt when they hurt. I sigh when they are placid and happy. I cheer when they are excited. I itch with nervous energy when they are on edge.

We are like E.T. and Elliot; our lifeblood runs as one.

And so it is that I am a ball of nerves and stress lately. I am frustrated and let down and irritated with the public education system in general. I am done with this school year; I am tired; I have a single focus.

These feelings are siphoned from my son and fed into my veins. I hate that he feels these things, but I am without a plan to change these circumstances of the last four weeks of school.

In a Land Far, Far Away

It's silly really. It's not as if I got to see her terribly often and it's not as if this should change how often I talk to her, but still, I feel the added distance and it makes me miss her. My best friend from college; the one I have seen the most and talked to the most over the years just moved from Texas to Idaho.

In Texas, I had the chance to see her, stay with her, get to know her boys as I traveled there for work and family visits. I have reason to travel to Texas. I know the route well. It's all familiar.

Idaho is far, far away from me. It's all unfamiliar. I don't know the way there. I can't picture where she is or know anything about the place. I feel sad for me; I don't know when I will see her again.

But I feel happy for her and her family as they begin a new adventure in this far away corner of the country. And I envision a long road trip with my boys, along new terrain, on our way to visit my friend. And then, once again, I will know the way to her and what her house looks like and where she has settled and she won't feel so far away when I talk to her and think of her.

In the meantime, we'll make a point to call each other more often.

Life After Loss

Life from day to day has no certainty for any of us. And yet, we keep going without thinking much about our own mortality or that of our loved ones until we are forced to. It's best this way. For if we dwell on such matters for long we'll be consumed by the questions for which we cannot know the answers.

But when there is a sudden loss; loss without reason, without preparation, without last sentiments exchanged, without time to think through, it's hard to know where to begin again. It's hard not to think on those dark questions of which we cannot know the answers. And yet, we must not.

We must go on living and doing and laughing and loving and working through all the lovely and momentous and unpleasant and insignificant and bright and dark moments of life. And that realization is both terrifying and reassuring all at the same time.

It's terrifying to think that life must simply go on with this gaping hole in life's cast. And it's reassuring, that eventually, this will be the new normal and life will resume again, altered and not so shiny, but still full of hope.

Starting up again is never easy, whether it's losing a spouse or child or parent or grandparent or sibling or beloved pet. It's just isn't. And that's OK, but know that one day the tears won't come so easily and the sun will seem a little brighter and your smile will feel a bit more familiar and then you'll know it's all going to be alright.

Over and out…

Anna

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Tiffany {When I was a Teenager}

When I was in junior high my best friend moved from our little town in the Texas Pandhandle to a little town in Kansas. Her grandma lived down the street from my aunt though and so she came back often. And sometimes, in the summer, our moms would agree to meet halfway in Guymon, OK, and let me go back to Kansas and stay the week with my friend and then on Friday night we would all head back to Dumas, where they would drop me at home and spend the weekend with family.

My friend, Tiffany, lived out in the country, outside of the small town in Kansas. Because of this she was able to get a hardship driver's license before she turned 16 so that she could get herself and her brother to and from school, etc. This was a huge deal in our eyes.

The summer that we were 15 and I had only a Learner's permit and she had a hardship license I visited her. There was one day when her parents were at work and her brother at home that we had her mom's car for some reason. Perhaps, we agreed to run errands for her mother. I don't remember.

Well, Tiffany let me drive. Of course, she wasn't supposed to do this. But I was a cautious driver, and weren't taking any risks. We were headed back to her house on the small two-lane highway out in the country with me driving and suddenly realized that her dad was heading towards us in his truck.

We panicked. Tiffany got down in the floor board as best she could. I sat up tall, put the visor down and looked straight ahead as our vehicles passed by each other. We were sure we were busted, laughing and laughing at what had happened.

We waited for it. Dinner was torture. We were positive we had been found out.

Then, her dad said he had seen her mom heading home and she hadn't waved at him or even seen him. Her mother replied back that it hadn't been her. He was absolutely certain it was. They mildly argued back and forth, while Tiffany and I sat there mute, waiting for them to accuse us.

But he had seen only one person in the car and it was 1990…we all had poofy, spiral perms so the hair looked the same. Somehow, we got away with it. We excused ourselves from the table and went off to quietly revel in our good fortune.

Tiffany was my first real friend in Dumas, after moving there the week school was starting. We were in sixth grade then. It wasn't until late in the year that we bonded. We were working on a letter writing project and had been paired up to proof each other's letters. We discovered we were both writing to relatives in Cedar Hill, TX. And that was it; we became friends over this funny coincidence.

I was so shy back then, lacking confidence to speak up and talk to anyone I didn't know well. I was plain and chubby.

But Tiffany wasn't. She always exuded confidence and spoke to anyone and everyone about anything and everything with genuine interest and self-assurance. And she was pretty and slender.

I got prettier and thinner and more confident with time, but I always admired her confidence and courage and determination. She made me bolder too.

When she turned 18 in November of our senior year, she eloped and married the twenty-something man she had been quietly dating. She moved to Amarillo, TX, from her small town in Kansas and enrolled herself in high school to finish her senior year and got a job and took charge of running her little household.

I wasn't surprised when she called to tell me she had just gotten married. Her parents had forbidden her from dating this guy in his twenties. So, she decided that once she was 18 she'd just marry him and move out. Once again, she was confident in her actions.

I lost track of her after college, but then found her on Facebook a few years ago. She's still pretty and still exuding that confident, brave spirit.

Isn't it funny how people cross our paths, maybe even becoming our dearest friends for a time, but then we all move on and yet those people continue to cross our minds over the years.

I think of Tiffany when I hear a Bon Jovi song and associate her with Young Guns…it was the first Rated R movie we snuck in to see from the PG rated movie we paid to go to the night of my surprise birthday party…we were scared to death we'd get thrown out, but we didn't and from time to time I think about the time we spent together over the years and the time we fooled her parents about who was driving the car on that summer afternoon in 1990. And I still admire her for her confidence and guts.

There are no accidental meetings and path crossings in life. There is always a purpose whether we understand it right away or not. I do believe that. All of the people that come and go and stick around all matter. They're all brush strokes, filling in the masterpieces of our lives. Over and out…

Anna

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Response to Lonely

Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."

    ~C.S. Lewis

I was touched by the comments and messages that said, "I could have written this." "These words describe me." "I feel this way too." "You are not alone in this." etc. I am not the only person feeling lonely, clearly. Thank you so much for all of your thoughts you shared with me.

I should have known I was not alone, but when you feel that you are outside the circle of light, it's hard to see that there are others standing farther out in the dark too.

We all crave friendship and human interaction and touch and connection. Some are lucky enough to have found that kind of bond and have close friends through every stage of life. But many of us are still searching through the crowds of people we meet and chat with and have fleeting experiences with, looking for those people we share a common bond with; a bond that is strong enough to hold us together and anchor us, as we begin to build a foundation for a true, deep, forever friendship.

Meeting people and striking up a conversation and chatting is not hard for me. I do that all the time. It's the next part that gets harder. It's following up with a request to meet up again; to see each other again; to intentionally work to get to know each other. It's a bit like dating, really. And, frankly, I'm out of practice.

These kinds of relationships don't form overnight, but they must start somewhere, right? Why not at a Caribou Coffee over a cup of chai? Why not on the swings at the park while the kids play nearby? Why not at Lake Harriet while walking the path?

So, perhaps by remembering how many people responded to this saying, "I feel the same way", we can be brave and bold and take a risk and simply say to a new acquaintance that we feel a kinship with, "Would you like to be friends?"

How simple is that? That's what we would tell our children to do if they have met a new kid at school or at the park or in the neighborhood and want to be friends.

This is the part that's hard though…sticking out your neck and risking your feelings being hurt or your pride being crushed because maybe that person doesn't want to be friends or doesn't feel the same connections with you. You risk looking like the lonely, desperate fool that you feel like.

And so, it's easier to just have lots of friendly interactions with people you know and see on a regular basis and engage in friendly chit chat and never actually take that next step.

But, it's lonely there outside the circle. So, isn't it worth the risk?

Only you can answer that for yourself, but now my own neck is sticking way out there having shared all this with y'all. Sooooo, I guess I'll be looking like the lonely fool that I am and asking some of my friendly acquaintances if they would like to be my friends. Over and out…

Anna    

Related articles

Lonely {from the Heart}

Friends with a Purpose {Fading Away}

A Life Full of One-Night Stands {It's not what you think...}

Lonely {from the Heart}

I am so lonely.

It's hard to admit that; to actually say it out loud. So, please be gentle and don't judge me.

But it's true. I crave friendship. Not just friendly interactions. I mean real, forever, deep friendship.

It's hard to find that as an adult. I have lots of friendly interactions, but it's just polite chit chat for the most part. Of course, there's nothing wrong with polite chit chat, but it can't substitute for real, honest to goodness friendship.

I mean the kind of friend you call up and say come over for coffee and she actually does it without planning or scheduling or saying you'll get together someday, which actually never happens and you know as soon as it's said that it's never going to happen, and it doesn't matter that your floors are dirty, the Legos are all over the living room, there's dog hair on the couch and there's a pile of dirty clothes next to the basket of clean clothes that have been waiting to be folded since last Thursday.

It's hard to meet people and really get to know them when as a mom, I am always running from one thing to the next, just like all the other moms I know, and working from home with limited human interactions doesn't help either. And honestly, the last couple of years were hard ones and I found myself withdrawing more and more into my shell.

But in the past few months, I have really begun to miss having good friends to simply hang out with over coffee or call just to talk or make plans with or laugh with.

When we moved across the country from our native south it got tougher to make friends. And this was when I began to perfect the superficial, polite, faux friendship. It's better than having no friends at all. These friends invite you to gatherings and politely chit chat with you, but they or you don't share what's really going on or call just to talk or show up at your home just because.

It works for a while. You can make yourself believe you have friends. The problem with those friendships is that they don't last and they never go beyond good acquaintances. People move on and things change and without real meaning or depth the shell of the friendship cracks and crumbles until nothing is left.

I really want and need a true and deep and meaningful friendship.

And yet, I'm not sure I even know how to be a real friend anymore. I don't know if I would know it if someone really wanted to be my friend and get to know me beyond the superficial.

I expect polite chit chat. I offer a smile and return polite chit chat. And I feel alone.

After being in the same place almost 11 years it's hard to suddenly meet a person who becomes a new best friend. How does one meet someone and become real, forever, deep friends?

Am I alone in this or have you been here too? Over and out…

NOTE: If you are a friend of mine, please don't take this to mean that I don't appreciate your friendship, I DO! But I think you would agree that I am not in your inner circle of besties.

Anna

Related articles

Friends with a Purpose {Fading Away}

A Life Full of One-Night Stands {It's not what you think...}

What I Meant to Say {I Care}

I don't always know what to say.

When tragedy strikes a friend or someone gets knocked around by life and is feeling hurt, broken, devastated, crushed, I don't always know what words to say.

And I don't think I'm alone in this.

My words may be inadequate, awkward or flat out wrong, but my heart is in the right place. No matter what my words may sound like to the person suffering a blow or a loss, what I mean is: I care; I hear you; I'm praying for you; I'm hurting for you; I'm here if you need me.

I've seen some articles on the things not to say to someone who has lost a child or a parent or is battling cancer, or has a child with a disability or has lost a job, or is working through fertility issues, etc. posted and shared and commented on. And while I understand where these feelings are coming from, I think that these posts are harsh and just as hurtful as the sentiments that may feel like arrows, but are being expressed out of concern and love.

We all feel and express and process experiences differently. So, even if I have gone through a similar experience, the way I grieved or recovered or overcame may be very different from another. Or maybe I have never experienced what someone is going through and can't begin to imagine how that feels or how to process it, and yet I still care and want my friend to know.

By human nature, we want to reach out. We want to show our concern. We want to offer help and support. And my response may be awkward or poorly thought out or lacking, but it is coming from a place of love and compassion and concern.

We should not judge each other based on our responses to tragedy or heartache or difficulties, regardless of the angle from which we  view the upsetting event.

 So, if you are hurting and you share this information, please know that no matter what words I express what I mean is I care and I support you and I am praying for you. Over and out…

Anna

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A Life Full of One-Night Stands {It's not what you think...}

Superheroes {Believe}

{Be Kind} I believe in Me

On Correspondence {An Evolution}

Sir, more than kisses, letters mingle souls; for, thus friends absent speak.  ~John Donne

Do you remember when handwriting mattered? Do you remember when we used to write letters and send cards and share notes on a regular basis? Those days are fading away. Handwritten messages are almost as irrelevant as phones with cords and typewriters and cassette tapes.

I often hesitate to spend the money on fancy cards that will more than likely be tossed in the trash sooner than later. I find myself always putting off sending a quick note to a friend. I am sorry to say I rarely even write thank you notes these days.

I don't know the last time I bought stationery. My handwriting is horrendous as if the essential muscles have atrophied due to lack of practice.

I have succumbed to the age of quick interactions via Facebook or Twitter or texts. I rarely use email for true corresponding; instead it has become a mode of exchanging information for business purposes; a quick note about an appointment or information regarding a gathering or event.

I used to spend time pouring over the card selections; choosing just the right one for that special person. I used to write letters and thank yous and notes of encouragement.

I wish I still sent cards to friends just to brighten a day or check in or share something exciting. I know that a few lines can lift a spirit, stay with someone for years to come like a little conversation bubble floating above one's head and feel like a hug when you've been standing apart and alone for too long. I know that I keep the notes and letters and cards that were penned with love and care and encouragement.

I keep them in a drawers or stuck in my Bible or other special books. It's always such a treat to come across one while leafing through looking for something else. I read through the lines and am reminded of a particular time or a verse or a sentiment and the person who wrote it.

The card in the photo was lovingly written on a beautiful piece of stationery and left for me in my law school mail cubby during a particularly difficult time, over 14 years ago. The scribe of this scripture was {and is} a dear friend. She knew that these words would put my stress in perspective and soothe my soul.

As she penned the words I doubt she thought that I would keep this note for so many years; thinking of it often and referring to it from time to time to actually see the words and be reminded of this promise, but also remember our friendship during law school that meant so much to me.

Of course, long, long ago, correspondence was the only way to stay connected, to inform of the everyday happenings, to convey details of important life events. There was a formality to it, but there was also an art to it. Letters were kept bound in ribbons, stowed away in leather pouches, referred to, re-read, dwelled upon. They were important.

I am sure that with the invention of the telephone and motorized vehicles and as their use became widely available, there was fear of losing the written word. But it is never lost; it merely changes.

I may not write letters or send cards very often, but I do write all those things here. It's just a new format. I keep track of my thoughts; current events; life happenings; shifts in ideas, etc. sharing these things with anyone who reads the words.

My words may or may not stick with someone or make someone see something in a different way or inform or make someone smile or cry or laugh or act or thank their lucky stars they don't see things the way I do or give someone reason to return here day after day to see what else I have to share.

Correspondence is still important; its form is just evolving; the reach is broader; the depth sometimes shallower; but the sentiment is still from the heart. Over and out…

Anna

Hospitality {Searching for Meaning}

Just a Word

Hospitality…. A word that is often used, but rarely contemplated.

The word "hospitality" has been bumping around in my head for several months. I tried to write something on this subject several times, but the words did not come; they just weren't there.

It all started one Sunday, as I sat in a pew at the Basilica of St. Mary. Father Bauer was speaking. I always enjoy Father Bauer's homilies. They are short and sweet; just enough to give you comprehension, but lacking just enough to make you think; make you want more and seek clarification within yourself.

His words get stuck there, like a burr in your sock that keeps rubbing against your skin, irritating you until you do something about it.

Well, that's exactly what happened with this homily and the word "hospitality."

Searching for Meaning

I looked up the dictionary meaning; the root word and their meanings; I explored my thoughts, but there was nothing there to expand on.

And yet, still I heard the word echoing through my mind day after day, week after week.

Last week, I got the Basilica magazine, as I flipped through it, a word caught my attention…. Hospitality. There was an article on The Hospitality of St. Julian and a piece of art with that title that hangs in the room of the Basilica that welcomes those in great need each day, offering aid in many forms.

I took this as a sign that I was not to give up on this word and this piece I had tried to write.

I have the words now.

The article says, "Hospitality is defined as the reception and entertainment of strangers or guests without hope of reward."

We associate hospitality with free refreshments at a gathering, a service rendered for no fee, opening up our home to our guests for a dinner party or holiday perhaps. These are hospitable acts that is true, but I think it's more than that.

The 13^th Midcentury meaning from Old French means a place for the needy, a charitable institution.

We can be needy in many ways; sometimes we need the basics for getting from day to day; nourishment and shelter; sometimes we are in need of being lifted up spiritually; sometimes we fall into a deep, dark hole and need help to climb back out.

Acts of Love

Hospitality.

As I thought about this word, I recalled several acts of hospitality that has been bestowed upon me. Oddly enough, the first three that came to mind involve food. And yet, food or nourishment of the body and soul do have a lot to do with hospitality.

I remember several years ago, after my friend had read a post I wrote on feeling numb and sad and lost, she showed up at my door with a smile, a hug and big loaf of chocolate babka bread, it was the day before Christmas Eve and she had just arrived home from a trip; she had a jillion other things to do that day. She didn't say a word about the post or that she was worried about me, but I knew what she was doing. It warmed my heart and helped me start climbing out of that hole. That was hospitality.

That same year, right before Thanksgiving our adored Saint Bernard suddenly died, absolutely breaking our hearts. My friends started showing up with meals for our family, understanding how devastated we were to lose this member of our family. That was hospitality.

During a hard time, several years ago, I opened the door to find a big box with a ham and bacon and pancake mix and cheese and more that my dad had ordered from his favorite Vermont ham vendor. That food fed us for a while, nourishing our bodies and spirit. That was hospitality.

A friend who hears your worries, your pain, your needs in your voice, in your silence, in your outbursts and quietly, simply offers you aid in whatever form she or he can. That is hospitality.

A stranger who reaches out to help another who is in need; asking no questions and never thinking about what's in it for himself. That is hospitality.

The Scoop

At this time of year, the needs of others seems to be most apparent. Spirits and temperatures fall; needs rise, in all forms.

Often, I find myself pausing before I offer aid. Will the person be offended? Perhaps I don't understand the situation? Should I put myself out there and help this person? Sometimes I just step up and do what needs to be done; simply offer what I can. I should do that more often; we all should. 

So, as you bustle about getting Thanksgiving dinner ready, greeting guests, going about with "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" on your lips, I hope the word "Hospitality" will echo through your mind, irritating your little gray cells until you stop to consider this apt holiday term.

May you have a most Happy Thanksgiving! Over and out….

Anna

Friends with a Purpose {Fading Away}

I once had a conversation with a group of friends about friendships. I remember that one mentioned a concept she had heard in a college course many years before; it was a concept of friendships that served a purpose in your life, but when that purpose was no longer necessary, the friendship faded away.

I knew what she meant. I have had this happen over and over throughout my life, with exception to a few groups of friends, but I hated it. I hated the idea of close friendships fading with time and purpose.

And it's happened again. I hate that I don't see or have much contact with many of my friends. Friends who were dear, close friends when my first-born was just a tiny tot. Friends who also had first-born babies when we began our friendship.

We were thick as thieves for the first 4 years of our kids' lives. We got together with kids; without kids; randomly and planned.

We knew each other's routines, spouses and challenges. We celebrated victories and mourned losses. We were close; we really knew each other.

Yet, these deep bonds lasted only a season of our lives. Some moved to other suburbs; some went back to work or found new careers; everyone enrolled their kids in different preschools. We started to become distant.

We tried to continue getting together; just the moms. Our kids no longer knew each other when we did see someone from the group. Our "dates" got further and further apart.

But eventually life got the better of us. We were all busy. We all had different schedules and challenges and branched off in different directions.

And while I know that's just life, it makes me sad. I'm sad to have lost so many wonderful friendships with supportive, funny, smart, interesting, talented women.

But I know I must be content with running into them on occasion at a restaurant or a museum or seeing a few posts on Facebook here and there. Our season of friendship has passed, and it's a loss I mourn.

And yet, I feel so blessed to have had them with me during those first months and years of motherhood. I definitely would have struggled without them. The adventure of burgeoning motherhood would not have been so much fun if I had been alone. I will forever hold them in a special place in my heart. Over and out…

Anna

Three Separate Asides {Brief, Honest, Fleeting Thoughts}

An Aside, not to be mistaken as a monologue or soliloquy, is a dramatic device in which a character speaks to the audience. An aside is usually a brief comment, rather than a speech. A character may be mistaken in an aside, but cannot be dishonest.

These three asides I wrote because the words spilled out from my head and through my fingertips, but there was only this; nothing more, not a monologue, not a lesson, not a revelation, only a few thoughts. So, I strung them together into a series of thoughts in one post.

Perhaps, you will relate to one or more of them. And perhaps not. But these are my brief and honest reflections.

 

Plan B {Making a Break for It}

And then there are days that I consider gathering of a few belongings, putting them into a small bag, running out the door, keys in hand, backing out of the driveway and never looking back.

Of course, this image is fleeting, but there have been a number of these moments lately.

I don't know if it's the end of school, change of weather, my busy work schedule or all of the above or none of the above, but my kiddos have been pushing me to the brink; the crying, whining, over-the-top drama, sassy tongues, striking out at each other or at the pets or at me or Will; the stubbornness; the complaining.

I have been wondering what has become of my sweet kids; I think they are still there somewhere; I catch glimpses of them beneath the rebellious façade when they sneak a kiss or chance an "I love you, Mom."

But then, in an instant they are gone again with a whine or shriek or roll of the eyes.

We are being tested by these little hellions, and we are still standing firm for the most part. But I'm wondering, "Are we getting a passing grade, God?"

Of course, this plan would never actually work because a) I never pack light b) It would take me too long to leave a list of instructions and information for whomever was left with my boys and c) the little hellions would be hanging on me, pulling me back in, before I could get out the door.

Lost Connections {On Friends}

Somewhere over the last few years of rough times and pulling everything in close and withdrawing inside myself, I lost friends and circles and groups. I don't blame those whom I used to see and email and meet up with and talk to.

Life changes; moods change, situations change, schedules change; that's just the way it goes, right?

Well, I miss them. I miss chats and meals and coffee and emails and play dates at parks and tweetups and meetups. I miss feeling connected. I miss the support system; the togetherness. I miss the discussions and the bonds. I miss getting out away from my home and kids and work.

Excelsior {Ever Upward}

I just watched Silver Linings Playbook the other night. I love the characters, flaws and all, and the story and message.

The only thing I knew about Excelsior was that it's the name of charming little town on the shores of Lake Minnetonka, here in the Twin Cities.

I looked it up. It's a Latin word meaning ever upward. And as I now know it's also the New York state motto.

I like it. I might just adopt it as my own personal motto. I am always forging ahead, one step at a time.

This one word motto is a good reminder to continue going ever upward, especially when those black clouds move in and unseen ghosts clasp on and pull down.

So, with determined battle cry, EXCELSIOR, it is!

Over and out...

Anna

Brothers; A Close Bond {The Glue that Binds Together or the Wedge that Breaks Apart?}

A Close Bond

My boys are 2 years and 2 months apart in age. They are not twins as they sometimes say they are. And yet, they are not so different in size. They often dress alike. They share a bedroom and often a bed. They have amazingly similar and wildly different likes and dislikes. They are protective and concerned and loving towards each other. They are overly competitive and hateful and rude and bullies towards one another. They are forever linked by their DNA, their upbringing and their tight love/hate relationship.

They are brothers.

Bad Seeds or Good Apples

Brothers have been on my mind lately.

We have begun a new tradition of reading a passage from a Children's Bible at the dinner table each evening. I recently remarked on the number of brothers who despise and kill or set out to ruin the other; something that I had failed to ponder so much before giving birth to two brothers.

I recently picked up a magazine and read an excerpt from a book about brothers. There were many interesting connections, observations and theories regarding brothers and their birth order in this article, but what struck me was the conclusion that brothers are not necessarily alike, despite similar DNA and their shared parents and experiences don't mean much; it's more about their personalities, birth order and one's perception of a shared experience, which is often quite different from that of his brother.

I saw a headline that said something to the effect of "Two Brothers become dads within minutes of one another just a few doors apart at the same hospital." The article said the brothers were best friends; they saw each other quite frequently; lived near each other and were thrilled to add this experience to a list of many others.

Then, just this past week, I read something about the Boston terrorists; the brothers. And this article outlined the number of terrorists in recent and past history that were brothers; apparently, a shared closeness, such as that of a brother, can aid in shutting out the rest of the world and help them to believe their own flawed perceptions are true and right.

Of course, those shared experiences and likenesses and differences can also create amazing, beautiful, imaginative, innovative industry, ideas, art, etc. Think of the Wright Brothers, the Coen Brothers, the Marx brothers, the Gershwin Brothers, the Rockefeller Brothers, etc.

The Scoop

Perhaps, one day people will add the Berend Brothers to such a list for a great achievement in something. Or perhaps they will grow up, split up and take up very different lives, barely seeing each other during their adulthoods.

I see their similarities and the differences. I see how they comfort each other and rile each other. I see how they take up for each other and guide each other and encourage each other through difficult tasks or feelings. I see how they taunt and compete and physically strike out at each other.

I see all these things. And I think about my two sweet, stubborn, creative, boisterous, tough, sensitive boys sound asleep tangled up together in the lower bunk and I wonder will they be close and protective and loving when they are adults; will they always need each other; will they never plot to do evil; will they always understand each other?

This mother's heart prays for a loving, peaceful, steadfast relationship for these Brothers; a relationship that does no harm to each other or their families or to strangers, but one that produces only beautiful and inspiring and inventive outcomes, whatever they may be.

Brothers; there is no other relationship quite like it. Over and out....

Anna

*Coincidentally, we have a shortage of sisters in our household.... we don't have a daughter; I have a brother, but no sisters; my dear husband has only 2 brothers; no sisters.

Tradition, tradition! Tradition! The Importance of Rituals

Don't Belittle Traditions

The other day I was chatting with a preschool teacher about one of our family holiday traditions, and I mentioned that I might change part of the tradition until the boys were older because that part was not as enjoyable for me at their ages. And she said to me, "Well, aren't traditions really for us, not the kids?"

I laughed and said I agreed, but I kept thinking about that statement. And I don't agree.

Traditions are important to the kids too. It may mean something different to a 4 year-old than it does to me, but doing an activity or attending an event or going on a trip every year is important to all members of a family.

If we ever miss one of our traditional events or consider altering it a bit, the kids keep us in check. It's the kids who say, but it's our tradition to.....

In fact, it was Darling 1 who reminded us on Tuesday night that it's "our tradition" to get gingerbread cookies after going through the Macy's Santaland exhibit and getting the picture with Santa. Clearly, the cookie getting is an important part of the tradition for him.

Our Christmas Traditions

We have traditions we uphold throughout the year, but during this season, in which our family celebrates Christmas, we have quite a few traditional activities. Here are a few of them:

1. Macy's 8^th Floor Santaland
2. Holidazzle Parade
3. The Santa & Albert Holiday Play at Bachman's
4. Making Beeswax Candles at Woodlake Nature Center
5. Reindeer Day in Linden Hills
6. Candlelight and Ice New Year's Eve Celebration at Woodlake Nature Center
7. Putting up our Christmas Tree
8. Building a gingerbread house
9. Baking Christmas Cookies
10. Driving around the neighborhood looking at Christmas lights while sipping hot chocolate and listening to Christmas music
11. New PJs on Christmas Eve

And a couple I'd like to add this year...

1. Holiday Lights in the Park at Lake Phalen and
2. Night Trains at Twin Cities Model Railroads Museum

And eventually, we'll add midnight mass, when the boys are older and can make it past 10 pm. This is one I'm really looking forward to.

Not just a Repeated Activity

What's in a tradition? Why are these rituals so important to us? They're memories to call upon, stories to tell; they shape our childhoods and perhaps the childhoods of our children; they comfort us; make us laugh and cry and feel close to friends and family, even when those people can't be near us or we aren't able to experience a closely held tradition due to circumstances that can't be helped. Our traditions are a part of us.

It matters not what season it is, traditions abound; whether it's a personal tradition, a family tradition; traditional activities with a group of friends or co-workers or even a local, state or national tradition; traditions are everywhere. And yet, it's this holiday season that seems to bring out the most personal, memorable traditions.

The Scoop

It can be as simple or as complicated as putting up a Christmas tree. Is your tradition to have a real tree or an artificial tree? If it's real, do you cut it down yourself? Is it potted? If so, do you re-plant it? Do you always get a fir or pine or a short one or a fat one? These things may not be significant to you....unless it's part of your tradition.

So, while it may not feel important to all members of the family at this point in time, the traditions you create in your family ARE important. I bake cookies every year, just like my mom always did; we have stockings on Christmas morning, just like Will and I always did as kids; and we always have a big, fat real tree.

What are your family's traditions? Over and out...

Anna

The ABCs of Anna’s 38th Birthday

This started out as something that Darling 2 and I were working on when he came up with it one afternoon, and then I decided to type it out. We got part way through the alphabet and then got distracted and went on to something else. When I came back to it, I started thinking of my own birthday {Oct. 14^th}, and this is what I came up with:

A is for an Awesome Day to be Celebrated

B is for Balloons and Breakfast in Bed

C is for Cake and any other Confections that Come My Way

D is for Decking the Halls with Decorations; handmade by my Darling Boys

E is for Eternal Youth {I can hope for it, at least}

F is for Facebook Birthday Wishes

G is for Gifts

H is for "Happy Birthday!"

I is for Ice Cream

J is for Just Between Friends Conversations Over Coffee

K for Some Kid-Free Time

L is for Lattes

M is for Birthday Shoppin' Money

N is for Natural, Ageless Inner Beauty {I aspire to have this, at the very least}

O is for Getting Older and Enjoying It

P is for Pastries at Patisserie {46, that is}

Q is for Quiet Moments Alone

R is for Dinners Out at Restaurants and Red Roses

S is for Sweet Surprises

T is for Treasured Memories of Birthdays Past

U is for getting Carded; Just in Case You're Underage {Yeah right, but it happens}

V is for Vino; a Glass or Two

W is for Blowing Out Candles and Making Wishes

X is for eXtra Special Treatment

Z is for getting lots of Beauty Sleep ZZZs So Age Doesn't Matter!

What do your ABCs stand for? Over and out...

Anna

My Life...So Far {38 Lessons}

Life is a constant lesson. Just when you think you've got a hold on it and you've learned everything the world can teach you, a new saga begins. But without these adventures, trials, heartbreaks and triumphs life would be dull and lifeless; at least that's what I keep telling myself.

I have lived almost 38 years on this earth, and I've been thinking about the lessons I've learned over the years. And here they are; 39 of them:

1. Stepping out of your comfort zone is always worth it;
2. Quietly taking in your surroundings and evaluating the situation can be very helpful in future dealings;
3. Always take each opportunity that comes your way; it may not present itself ever again;
4. Surround yourself with pets; you will always feel loved and understood, even when the world doesn't get you;
5. Be true to yourself; this can be hard when your heart falls hard and leads the way {in the wrong direction};
6. Fall in love, even if it might mean getting hurt; it's worth it;
7. Stand up for what you believe is right;
8. Never compromise when it means giving up on a dream;
9. Even if dreams have to be shelved for a while, don't let them stay on the shelf so long that they become unrecognizable;
10. Never give up...not ever; not even on the darkest nights; the morning will come;
11. When one road is closed, start searching for alternate routes....there's always at least one;
12. Be your own cheerleader;
13. You can always come home...or call home; my parents are my rock, my life support, my ultimate fans;
14. My relationship with my brother is one of the most important ones in my life;
15. My sorority sisters are my sisters and true friends; I love them and when I'm with them we are still 20 and the years and miles between us are erased;
16. My husband does more for me, our family and our home than most husbands do, and I should show more appreciation than I do;
17. Brand new love is the most exciting, but old love is the most reassuring;
18. Love at first sight...or first dance...or first conversation happens;
19. Say what you mean and mean what you say;
20. Sometimes it's best to bite your tongue and leave a few things unsaid {a tough lesson for me};
21. Life can be disappointing, but whether it continues to be disappointing is up to you;
22. Loss hurts...acknowledge it....feel it...grieve and then get back to living life;
23. Take a chance...again....and again...and again;
24. Move...live in different cities... states...countries, if you can;
25. Being a mom has filled my life, but being a mom is not my whole life;
26. Be present; soak up the here and now because the days, months and years fly by;
27. Kids complicate things, bring out the best and worst, but the joy they add and lessons they teach are worth it;
28. Waiting to have kids was one of the best things we did for our marriage;
29. Never miss the chance to tell your child you love him;
30. Advocate for your children; you know them better than anyone else;
31. Always say you're sorry when you've made a mistake or said something that was hurtful;
32. Swallow your pride; you won't choke on it, but you'll end up playing the part of the pompous fool if you don't;
33. Dance anytime you have a chance....who cares what you look like {this took me a long time to realize};
34. Pray without ceasing;
35. Believe in miracles;
36. Speak from your heart; everyone has something important to say; don't be afraid to tell your story;
37. Sleep when you can;
38. Read only books you love; books that speak to you; otherwise, you're wasting your time; and one to grow on....
39. You don't have to live every minute of every day because that's exhausting, but do your best to live while you can.

I think I pretty much covered the big ones, but there are more, of course. And I the older I get the more transparent the life lessons become. What has life taught you? Over and out...

Anna

Not Jen, not Jenny...just Jennifer {She was my Friend}

1Ls

I got there early so that I could watch the others come in. These others would be my classmates for the next three years; I wanted to guess which ones would be my friends.

One girl came in and sat a few rows down from me. She looked nervous; as I imagine we all did. I instantly liked her though, and I decided she would be my friend.

In law school the 1^st year class is divided into sections, and the students in those sections are rarely apart, having the exact same schedule for the whole first year. Each section becomes very close for the whole of law school. When my section number was called to go to the front of the auditorium to get our schedules, etc. this girl, this would-be friend of mine, got up too.

Inseparable Friends

Little did I know then that not only would she be my friend, she would be my very best friend for those very intense years of our lives. We were inseparable; we studied together, laughed together, cried together, encouraged each other, supported each other, and laughed and cried some more. Her friendship is one of the reasons I got through law school.

I once got her a throw pillow for Christmas that said, "It's the friends you can call at 2 a.m. that really matter" and that's how it was with us.

But then, we graduated, took and passed the bar, and I went off to a Judicial Clerkship in IA and she began her career as a family law attorney in OK. I thought of her often, saw her once and spoke on the phone a couple of times. There were many times I started to pick up the phone and try to find her number and call her, but didn't. The distance between the years and our lives made me shy and uncertain; perhaps she never thought of me; perhaps she didn't miss me.

Loss

Last night, I picked up my Oklahoma Bar Journal that I had received sometime last week and started at the back of the volume; for that is where the important information about fellow OK lawyers is printed, the honors, the promotions and the deaths.

As I skimmed through the names, there it was, Jennifer Lee Thompson. The air was sucked out of me for a second, as I quickly flipped the page to be sure I was seeing it correctly. I couldn't read the words properly but my eyes perceptively picked out enough of them to know the awful truth. Jennifer passed away last month.

I'm heartbroken. I haven't seen her or talked to her in about 11 years, but nonetheless she was one of the best friends I have ever had or probably ever will have, even if it was just for those 3 years.

I'm heartbroken that I let all those years stack up thinking that one day I would talk to her; I would see her again. Now, one day will never come.

Being There

Ten days separated our birthdays. We were both sassy, passionate, devoted and determined. We lived just a short drive from each other for those 3 years of law school; it was a drive we each knew well.

I once drove over in the middle night with a cell phone and flashlight in hand after she had called me in tears certain that something or someone was outside her door. I'm not brave in the dark, late at night, or when there is a chance of a prowler seeking to do harm, but her fear made me courageous for her sake; it was a cricket stuck in her door.

The two of us, along with my two cats, huddled under her couch as a tornado ripped through the Oklahoma City area in May of 1999, waiting, listening, praying. We were brave together that time.

When I got married on December 26, 1998, she left her parents' house on Christmas night to stay with me that night before my wedding, knowing I'd be nervous. She did my nails and we laughed the nerves away. On the day of the wedding, she was beside me every minute of the day until I walked down the aisle, again knowing I'd be a nervous wreck. She kept the annoying people away from me, sent her mom to get me lunch and deliver it to the church and held my hand. She was brave for me that time.

One year, when I lamented the fact that my birthday was going to be the worst ever because it was a weekday, Will couldn't drive the 2 hours to see me because he'd be working and I had no plans, Jennifer and another friend hatched a plan sending me on an early morning errand to pick up the other friend and take her to class, even though I didn't have to be in class until hours later, never mind it was my birthday and that I liked to sleep. What I didn't know is that while I was out picking up and dropping off, Jennifer was in my apartment decorating it; it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen when I opened my door.

That is true friendship; being there for each other. I wasn't there for her in the end. I am heartbroken.

For years, I've had a foreboding dread of reading those obituary pages, fearing that one day I would find her name listed. Now, I have. I don't know where this feeling came from, but it was something I couldn't shake.

That premonition alone should have been enough for me to pick up the phone, but I didn't. This is a mistake I hope to never make again.

Jennifer, you shall forever be one of my bright spots on my life's canvas. I shed tears for you last night, and I got on my treadmill to run from the pain and sadness I was feeling. But then, as tears streamed down my cheeks, I remembered the time that you fell off your treadmill and how we laughed as you recounted the story to me as I smeared ointment on your bloody knees. Remember how you made me swear I wouldn't tell anyone what had happened to you?

Anna

 *um, the photo. Well, it's circa late 1997, and I was in costume - there's a mask on the top of my head making my hair look like that. Jennifer refused to go in costume - look how pretty she is.