Hanging By a Thread

When to Call in the Big Guns {Seeking Professional Advice from a Lawyer}

Getting Past the Stereotype

"If you or a family member have been injured in a crash or as a result of using a defective product...."

When I hear these words I think sleazy personal injury attorney preying on people in tight spots. I know I'm not alone in this. In fact, you can probably recite these words and the words that follow them along with the name of a personal injury attorney who often advertises on the TV channels you watch.

Of all the types of lawyers, personal injury attorneys probably have the worst reputation. While there are some slimy attorneys (just as there are slimy people in every profession), and some of them do indeed practice personal injury law, there are also a good number of honorable attorneys.

These attorneys are there to help their clients recover money to live their lives and/or support their families after being severely injured or when a family member has been killed because of someone else's negligence.

Case by Case

The problem for many is knowing when to sue and when not to sue or even when to seek advice from an attorney. And often these questions involve a personal injury issue, but the uncertainty regarding seeking legal action may also involve family law issues, civil wrongs or even criminal charges.

I recently read an article about a woman who sued a former college professor because of the low grade he gave her in class. She claimed that grade was given based on a dispute between the two and had ruined her chances at getting higher paying jobs down the road and asserted that this one grade would cost her a million or more in lost future wages.

So....this is a not a good reason to sue {in my opinion}.

A few months ago, a friend told me about a co-worker who had just gotten a new car and then was involved in a car accident through no fault of her own. The co-worker was having neck pain and was having trouble getting the person's insurance to respond to her, but she felt bad about seeking out legal advice about what to do. She didn't want to be THAT person.

So....this is a good example of when legal action may be necessary.

Often, those who have a legitimate cause of action fail to seek legal advice because they don't want to cause trouble or feel like they would look like the aggressor or bad guy. However, many times it may require only a phone call or letter from an attorney to get an insurance company moving or stop certain behavior or modify an agreement, etc.

Our society does tend to be quite litigious; sometimes that's a good thing that leads to changes in laws or reduces future injuries or deaths through changes to industry standards or sheds light on bad practices or get the needed money and/or care that a person injured in an accident deserves or increases or decreases child support payments, etc. Other times it's a waste of money and court resources that leads to nothing more than a few headlines outlining the preposterous allegations.

Seeking Professional Advice

So, if you and/or your loved one have been injured in an accident or property has been damaged or a loved one has been killed or you have information regarding poor or dangerous industry standards or you have another legal quandary, should you talk to an attorney?

Well, to give you a lawyer's answer...that all depends... but here are a few tips for when it's a good idea to get an attorney:

1. You've been injured on the job, on the property of another (a private residence or commercial business), in a car accident, etc and the injury was caused by another's negligence or mostly by another's negligence or your property has been damaged and you aren't getting anywhere regarding a settlement of costs/damages;
2. A loved one has been injured or killed by another's negligence and there is a family to support or medical bills to pay or funeral expenses to cover;
3. The person or business that caused the injury (directly or indirectly) or their insurance company or attorney is giving you the runaround;
4. There will be long term effects from the injury that require much care at a great cost;
5. The same thing that happened to you could happen to other due to a poor industry standard or on-going negligence, etc.
6. Or another circumstance in which you are not receiving damages for a wrong done to you or loved one; or
7. You need to modify a family law order or need help with divorce proceedings or getting a will or other estate planning document prepared.

The Scoop

There are many reasons to seek out the advice of an attorney; some of them may lead to court. However, a lawsuit can be expensive, take a lot of time and cause much emotional and physical stress. It should not be entered into lightly. And yet, there are many situations that do require going to court in order to be resolved fairly.

Don't be fearful of the law or an attorney or the court. Over and out...

Anna

Collage: Creating Something New from Something Broken {A Lesson in Persistence and Love}

England Summer of 1996

Back in 1996, I spent a magical, amazing summer in London. I toured a number of cathedrals and castles and towers in London and the surrounding countryside while there. All were impressive and beautiful; some left more of an impression than others. One story that has stayed with me all these years came from the tour of Winchester Cathedral; one of the oldest and longest cathedrals in England.

In 1642, Cromwell's troops smashed the huge stained glass windows in this cathedral. The women of Winchester gathered all the pieces of the shattered glass and tried to put the pictures back together, but they couldn't. So, instead they simply used all the pieces to make a collage of sorts.

The pieces are there, but they're just in a different order; creating a completely new work of art. It was one of the most beautiful stained glass windows I've ever seen.

This story really touched me; the care and love that went into that window must have been great.

Texas Summer of 2011

In the summer of 2011, I wrote about the end of the marriage between my sister-in-law and brother-in-law and my anger and grief over losing my sister-in-law in the process. It was a gut-wrenching, broken-hearted, confusing time for our family.

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law kept saying they were praying for a miracle.

Half of me thought with a smirk what kind of miracle? The divorce petition had been filed and served; my brother-in-law had moved out; hearts had been torn in two. The other half of me thought why can't this story end like a country love song {my favorite kind of country song} and they vow to love each other and make it work.

But mostly, I thought it was over and we would all learn the new rules of family gatherings, holidays and loss from divorce.

Texas Summer of 2012

Well, I was wrong. They got their miracle. A year after thinking it was over for good a crazy, miraculous thing happened. They fell in love; a love like they had never had. This love is deep and wide and puts goofy smiles on their faces.

Persistence and New Designs

Sometimes something can be so broken; so crushed down and ripped into little pieces that it becomes unrecognizable. Often those pieces are swept up and thrown into the garbage. But sometimes those pieces are carefully gathered and preserved until they can be put back together again. And like the Winchester Cathedral, you can't always get those pieces to look like it did before. No, instead, it becomes something completely new and more beautiful than before.

And that's what happened here. There was a marriage before, but it never looked like this. Now, it's a beautiful work of art that was hand-wrought from hard lessons learned, a new common aim and a deep and abiding love for each other and their family that was ignored and forgotten in the past, but came shining through when the shards were pieced together in this new design.

The Scoop

So, when something is broken and appears to be beyond repair, remember the Winchester Cathedral stained glass window that was pieced into an amazing new design in 1660; 18 years after it was shattered during a civil war. All it takes is a fresh perspective and an enduring persistence; and maybe a country love song or two.

I can't deny that this pleases me beyond words, brings a tear to my eye and puts a goofy smile on my face. Miracles happen every day.

Ironically, it was the summer of 1996 that this marriage began; just 1 month before I traveled to England and toured the Winchester Cathedral. Over and out....

Anna

Less Than Perfect Behavior: Temporary Orders

While we were visiting Texas, we celebrated Darling 1's birthday. My sister-in-law had gotten a gift for Darling 2, as well, since his birthday is in a few months and it would be easier on her to give it to him now in-person and easier on him to receive it now while his brother was getting lots of gifts; it's hard to understand these kinds of things when you're still a little guy.

Well, Darling 2 knew about this gift, and he wanted to open it right away because he's 3 and impatient with a single-focus when there are presents to be had.

Darling 2 didn't care about the schedule of the evening or the reasoning behind waiting. All he knew is that he wanted that gift. Darling 2 felt angry and distraught and powerless in his situation; and he couldn't think of anything else.

As the evening advanced, he became more and more difficult and more and more upset knowing there was something he wanted in that bag, but wasn't able to have it until someone in charge gave the OK.

Eventually, he got to open that present and was ecstatic to find a Transformer. He quickly forgot the agony he had been in having to wait to get what he wanted once he had.

Well, adults can behave this way too.

Often, when a marriage has come to an end, but no formal divorce proceedings have begun, the once couple, now two separate beings have a single-focus of getting out of the marriage and holding on to whatever dear is left whether it's the kids, the house, pets, grandma's china, the big screen TV or a big bank account. And often, both spouses feel angry, sad and powerless in their situations.

That's not a good place to be. It's a confusing time and sometimes the result is a whole lot of...inaction. Perhaps, each person is waiting on the other to make a move; or worried that the other will act faster and more aggressively than the other; or just plain stuck, not knowing where to go next.

Many times once a couple has decided that marriage is no longer an option for them, the concern turns to custody and finances. There are questions about who will pay the mortgage, the insurance, the bills, etc. And if there are children involved the biggest tension point is most often who will the kids live with and who will pay child support and how much, etc.

The easiest and best way to answer all these questions is to get a Temporary Order in place once one party has filed a petition for dissolution of marriage.

A Temporary Order is a court order that establishes temporary custody of children and visitation schedules, amounts of spousal support and/or child support; ensures that valuable assets won't be sold; allows for who will be living in the home, paying the bills, etc. This order can remain in force until it is amended at a subsequent hearing or until the Divorce Decree is filed and takes the place of the Temporary Order.

Once the petition for dissolution is filed and one spouse is moving out, the two spouses can decide these issues on their own and then present it to the court for approval or if the two are unable to come to an agreement about these key issues, the court will decide these matters, at least on a temporary basis.

So, if you find yourself feeling powerless and confused as you face divorce and are concerned about what will happen when your spouse moves out or whether your spouse will drop you from the insurance policy or who will be responsible for making house or car or credit card payments and most importantly how will the children be taken care of, by whom and where, then you should promptly contact an attorney about filing a petition for dissolution and getting a temporary order in place.

The Temporary Order involves filing a few documents, answering some questions, working out a few things with your soon to be ex-spouse or leaving it all up to a judge and agreeing to abide by this court order until further notice. *Exact details vary by jurisdiction. Over and out...

Anna

Standing Still While Time Passes in a Blur: Laws of Time & People

On my recent trip to Texas I have come up with a few "laws" concerning the passage of time and its effect on people. As I've mentioned in the past, Texas is my homeland; where my people reside. I was fortunate enough to have the chance to visit with family, both young and old, by blood and by marriage, as well as see friends from college; even more importantly, my sorority sisters.

I have known these people at most for my entire life and least for several decades. I am not a stranger to them and they are certainly not unfamiliar to me. These are people I have shared my life with, the good times and bad times. There have been many laughs and just as many tears. These are some of the most important people in my life.

As time marches on, much seems to stand still. We all move along the continuum of time entering new phases of life as we leave other stages behind, and yet some things just never change. Here are the observations I've made on the "Laws of People and Time":

1. People don't really change; time softens the hard edges or chisels deep, sharp chasms into the soul; and sometimes life does both at various times;
2. Even though time, life {and kids} have long since ravaged our young, svelte, wrinkle free bodies, we still look the same to each other;
3. Those close knit friendships forged during those formative college years are friends for life;
4. No matter how old you are, you are always your mom's child;
5. Old wounds can be as raw as when the dagger first struck if flooded with old memories;
6. Family ties don't have to be broken by divorce;
7. We are products of our roots, surroundings and experiences;
8. Our love for such friends and family is not diminished by time, distance or circumstances, but remains for a lifetime.

We can't stop time from ticking away second by second, minute by minute, day by day, or year by year, but that's alright because there are some things that time can't take away or ever change. These things simply define who we are, strive to be or have overcome.

Clearly, I'm still feeling nostalgic after my trip to Texas. Over and out...

Anna

Celebrity Watch: Our Emotional Connections {Inspired by Klum v. Seal}

Hollywood Divorce

So, Heidi Klum filed for divorce from Seal this week. Why is this headline news? This is certainly neither the first, nor the last celebrity divorce in the news. We watch them all with interest. Why are we concerned with the affairs of people we don't know; people we have never even met and more than likely will never meet?

The breakup of a marriage and a family is always sad, regardless of who the people are or the reasons why. People are people no matter their profession or social status, and all people feel anger, loss and sadness. But what makes the general public feel such an intense interest in a celebrity's life; whether it's a marriage, a divorce, a birth, a death or other event?

Feeling a Kinship

Clearly, much of the general public does feel this way. There are numerous blogs, publications, televisions shows and books devoted to this very topic. It's a multi-million dollar industry. We love to see what a celebrity is up to; how they live their lives. This seems to be particularly true about certain celebrity couples; couples deemed to be "normal" or "down-to-earth"; couples who stay married more than 5 years; couples who seem private and quiet; couples who seem to be happy and in love.

From all the media coverage sharing the romantic tidbits, the private moments, the glamorous getaways, the special gifts displayed for all to see we think we know them; we connect with them. I think that for many this exposure gives them a feeling of kinship with the celebrity couple; as in "if they can do it, so can we" or "we're rooting for you" sort of way.

Great Expectations

Or perhaps we are projecting our own relationships onto the celebrity couples and relying on them to pull through and make it and live happily ever after just like in the movies. Often that is not the case, especially for those matches made in Hollywood.

We know this. It's always been the case. There aren't many of these marriages that last a lifetime. Celebrities don't usually mate for life; instead many of them change spouses as often as they change movie roles.

Too harsh? Perhaps. But stop and think about the celebrities that we put on pedestals; those whom we feel disappointed in or let down by when we hear that he or she cheated or that he or she was abusive, etc. ; why do we put faith in these people? Why do we expect more from them? Why do we need them to stay married, be good husbands and wives and ride off in the sunset together?

Hollywood Splits Good for Our Marriages?

These celebrity marriages {& dissolutions} have nothing to do with our lives; with our marriages. And yet, we continue to buy People magazine; we continue to tune into to the celebrity gossip sites; and we continue to discuss their engagements, weddings, parenting choices and breakups with our friends and have an opinion about it all.

As it turns out, psychoanalysts say we do identify with various celebrities or perhaps see a particular celebrity couple as having things in common with our own marriages, and we have an emotional connection to them because of these similarities. So, when something like a divorce occurs, we do feel a little like it's happening to us. We feel the sadness and heartbreak as we imagine they are feeling too.

However, experts say this can also encourage us to look at our own marriages and learn positive lessons from the demise of our favorite celebrity couple. These breakups may prompt us to ask questions like, "could this happen to us?" In fact, the report of a celebrity couple filing for divorce could be a good way to bring up issues in your own relationship that are of concern to you or areas that need improvement, etc.

The Scoop

So, if you're feeling a trace of sadness over the announcement that Heidi Klum has filed for divorce after 7 years of marriage to Seal, you're only human and it could actually be good for your marriage. Over and out...

Anna

New Beginnings: State Laws Taking Effect January 1, 2012

Happy New Year

January 1^st....the start of a new year, a day a big sales at retail giants, the first day of a new diet for many and the day a number of new state laws take effect. January is definitely the month of new beginnings and that rings true for many laws too.

While I haven't surveyed every state, I did take a look at some of the new state laws from around the country. I have highlighted the new laws {or absence of pertinent new laws} that have just taken effect that concern parents, kids and/or families.

While you may think this is unimportant information, take a look; there may be a few that concern you and your family. With almost 40,000 new laws going into effect on January 1, 2012, there must be something that affects you or someone you know.

A Few New State Laws

Minnesota

No news laws that pertain to families. {Let it be noted that it was quite an argumentative year in MN.}

Texas

College students attending school in Texas to get a meningitis vaccine. This law is applicable to all state universities, community colleges and junior colleges. TX is the first state mandate this. The students must have had this vaccine within the last 5 years.

Texas homeowners will be protected from aggressive homeowner associations that try to foreclose on homes based on late dues, fees and fines.

New York

Hookahs, water pipes, and shisha (a product made of primarily tobacco and smoked) shall not be sold to minors.

A new law will strengthen DEC's authority to ban products that contain mercury.

Middle class tax cuts will reduce tax rates on middle to their lowest levels in more than 50 years About 4.4 million middle class taxpayers will receive a total of  $690 million in personal income tax relief.

California

Open carrying of guns is banned;

Children under 8 and those who are too small to wear regular seat belts must use a child safety seat or booster seat.

Florida

The federal government will no longer have a hand in control the Florida school meal programs This will allow the state of Florida to use more Florida-grown fresh fruit and vegetables on school menus.

Illinois

Hotels are now required to be equipped with at least one smoke detector within 15 feet of every room that is used for sleeping purposes. (HB 1398/ PA-97-0447)

Allows local school boards to, if federal grants are available, opt in to a full-year pilot plan if a school is on academic watch status for more than 2 years. Schools that opt in must increase their school calendar by 35 days, and requires students attend a minimum of 215 days. This pilot program affects only schools in Sen. James Meeks' district.

Requires criminal background information on an employee that has been obtained by a school district within the last year to be shared, upon request, with any other school district.

Changes legislation to reflect the current criminal penalty for making a false report of child abuse to DCFS, and updates the required posted warning to reflect that a false report is a Class 4 felony violation.

Allows people in divorce situations to use life insurance as a security for child support and maintenance obligations.

Requires all employees of licensed child care facilities who care for newborns and infants to complete training every 3 years on sudden unexpected infant death (SUID), sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) and on the safe sleep recommendations of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Requires adult passengers in the back seat of a vehicle to wear a seat belt, and also requires those 18 and younger riding in a taxi cab for school-related purposes to wear a seat belt.

Colorado

Coaches must not allow players as young as 11 to continue playing a sport if a head injury is suspected. In order to return to play, the athletics will be required to have medical clearance. Furthermore, coaches in public and private schools and even volunteer coaches of Little League and Pop Warner football are required to take a free annual online training to learn the symptoms to recognize a concussion.

Delaware

Same-sex couples can now enter into a civil union or domestic partnerships, which give them the same state rights and obligations of those who are married.

The Scoop

Does your state have any new laws worth checking out? I'll be touching base regarding distracted driving issues in this New Year on Wednesday and Thursday of this week. Over and out...

Anna

Losing It: Mental Illnesses and Child Custody Issues {A Post from the Past}

Some Days

There are some days; days that I feel that I am one step away from completely losing my marbles. The chaos, the lack of sleep, the stress, the ups and downs of life, it can be overwhelming. But I keep it together...for the most part. I know that these days are just that; one day ever so often in a life full of many days. I don't have a mental illness, and I have a spouse who can take the helm for a bit while I sort through my feelings, get some rest and move past the funk.

Mental Illnesses

And yet, there are parents out there who do struggle with mental illnesses. For some of these parents just making it through each day is a challenge; every day. For other parents with mental illnesses, medication can alleviate the symptoms and bring balance back to that parent's life; and the family's lives, for that matter.

Some of these parents have to find a way to cope with their illnesses and handle divorce and/or custody issues too. And other parents struggling with mental diseases are single parents dealing with everything on their own; work, finances, illness, parenting, medications. Many questions arise in these situations.

Custody Issues

For parents with severe mental illnesses the rate of losing custody is between 70 – 80%. Some states have laws that list mental illness of a parent as a condition for losing custody. The severity of the illness, combined with the symptoms of the particular mental illness, side effects from medications and the absence of another parent in the home are among the determinants for removing a child from the house of a mentally ill parent.

While all parents have a right to raise their children without government interference, the courts must weigh what's in the best interest of a child with a parent's mental disabilities and the impact on the family. If it's clear to the court that a child will be endangered by the parent's incapacity to care for his or her child, the court must remove the child from that parent's home and award custody to the other parent {in a divorce situation}, a grandparent or another competent adult.

In order for a court to determine what's in the best interest of a child, extensive mental health evaluations are ordered for the parent. The mere presence of a mental illness does not determine whether that parent will completely lose custody rights. In some cases, the court will find that based on all the evidence presented, a parent with a mental illness is still capable of caring for his or her children, at least some of the time.

A court's concern is that a child living with a mentally ill parent may suffer from neglect or abuse, be subjected to unsafe conditions or situations or be forced to take care of the parent instead of the other way around. Courts take these situations very seriously.

Due to these concerns of the courts and the high chance of losing custody, some parents in this situation may attempt to hide the illness or minimize the effects of the disease or the medications. Parents may even avoid needed treatment for mental diseases for fear of losing custody. While this is understandable considering how painful it would be to lose custody of a child, the parent must keep his or her focus on the child's safety and general well-being.

It's important to be forthright with any investigation, whether you are the parent being assessed; or the parent being evaluated is your spouse or soon-to-be ex-spouse, a friend or a family member. Again, the focal point must always be the best interest of the child.

The Scoop

No matter the determination or outcome of any case involving a parent and/or child with a mental illness, it's a heartbreaking situation; and not one taken lightly by the courts. Termination of parental rights is final, but a custody situation is changeable, depending on circumstances. For instance, if a parent seeks treatment, becomes stable on medication, etc. the parties could revisit the custody arrangements, if so desired.

No matter how you look at it, a case involving a parent suffering from a mental illness is never easy for anyone involved. Over and out....

Anna

On A Soapbox: Suing Mom?

Worst Mommy in the World

I am not the most patient mom in the world. I'll admit it. I have been known to lose my temper. It's true. I have, at times, been called "the worst mommy in the WORLD!" by my hot-headed, tantrum-throwing offspring. I've been judged and sentenced to time out or prison, whatever that is to a 5 year-old. I have sometimes agreed with the sentences pronounced upon me...sometimes.

But my children are still young, impetuous and unschooled in life, and I expect that in time they'll grow and mature and understand that life isn't fair; they don't get everything they want whether they deserve it or not; and that they won't always deserve, or need, the things they may think they simply cannot live without.

Extreme and Outrageous Behavior

I pray that my kids will understand these things and love me regardless of how much {or how little} I spend on them. I sincerely hope my kids don't ever sue me because I wasn't the "world's best mommy" in their view every day.

You think it's absurd that I would hope such a thing? Because seriously, what kind of values am I teaching my kids, right? What kind of brat would sue a parent over such trivial and unimportant issues? Who, indeed? Well, I'll tell you precisely who: Stephen A. Miner II and Kathryn Miner, now 23 and 20, respectively, of Barrington Hills, a wealthy Chicago suburb.

These spoiled, rotten brats {in my opinion}...ahem...siblings sued their mother. What did they claim she did to them as children? Were there allegations of locking them in the closet; leaving them in the car until 2 a.m. while she sat in a bar drinking; physically, sexually or mentally abusing them, withholding food or shelter from them? No, these two claimed emotional distress and sought damages for her alleged "extreme and outrageous" behavior. Here are some of the specific instances that lead to these claims by said Plaintiffs: The Respondent, a.k.a. Mom, allegedly:

• Told Steven when he was 7 that she would call police if he didn't buckle his seat belt.
• Failed to send college care packages and birthday cards for many years, and when she sent cards, failed to include cash.
• Changed her last name, causing distress at school events.
• Sent Steven a birthday card showing a bunch of tomatoes, one with googly eyes, with the caption: "Son I got you this birthday card because it's just like you … different from all the rest!"
• Haggled over the amount spent on Kathryn Miner's party dresses.
• Called Kathryn Miner at midnight while she was at homecoming and told her to come home.
• Played favorites with the kids.

~Source: ABA Journal, August 29, 2011

Family Dynamics

So, where was the father of these shallow kids when they were contemplating suing dear ol' mom? Where, indeed? Why he was one of the attorneys who helped to bring this suit to court. Their father represented them in this lawsuit. Ah, this is starting to make more sense, isn't it?

When little Steven and Kathryn were and 7 and 4, their parents divorced. Steven Miner, Sr., their father, was awarded full custody of young Steven and the two parents shared custody of their young daughter. Clearly, there are still some issues that should probably be resolved in therapy or during long, open-hearted, emotional conversations with each other.

This week, an Illinois appellate court dismissed this case finding that the mother's alleged conduct was neither extreme nor outrageous. The Court further stated that a ruling in favor of the children "could potentially open the floodgate to subject family child rearing to ...excessive judicial scrutiny and interference" as quoted in the ABA Journal, August 29, 2011.

The Scoop

This frivolous, petty, overly litigious claim not only wasted the time and money for all involved, but as nj.com points out it also lessens the very real and tragic stories of kids who are truly abused and mistreated by their parents.

The mother, Kimberly Garrity, other than perhaps having her heart broken by her malcontent offspring, also could have gone broke fighting this lawsuit. From several articles I read, it looks like Ms. Garrity will not recoup her attorney fees in this matter. And yet, the Plaintiffs, who supposedly lost this battle, won't have to pay much, if anything, considering Daddy was their attorney. So, who really won?

Hmmmm, something stinks here. Clearly, there was some abuse here. The Miners, all three of them, abused the judicial system in trying to settle a personal and very petty score. Over and out...

Anna

Mourning a Loss: Processing Divorce

Mood Swings

I've been in a funk lately. A few weeks ago I was in denial. Last week I was deeply sad. This week, I'm angry. And now I've figured out what's been bothering me. I'm mourning the loss of my sister-in-law.

I recently wrote about a couple struggling with whether to stay married after many years of unsuccessfully trying to make it work. I was referring to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. The week I wrote that post, the decision to end the marriage became a reality. The petition has been filed and served.

While I know it was the right decision, our family has now been irrevocably changed forever. I have never gone through divorce with anyone close to me before now, but it's much harder than I ever expected it to be for me.

My Sister-in-law

For some, "losing" a sister-in-law might not be a big deal, but it is to me. I have loved her since the moment I met her. She is more sister than sister-in-law. We have laughed together, cried together and prayed for each other more times than can be counted. We have been knowing and loving each other for 17 years now. That's a long time.

She is one of the funniest persons I know. She has been through more in her almost 37 years than many people in their 60s have. She is stronger than she knows. She is as smart as a whip. She and I can communicate volumes with each other with just a look from across a room. She is my sister.

I can say that nothing will change. We can still send texts to each other. We can still go to Sonic for Cherry Vanilla Diet Dr. Peppers when we visit in Texas. We will still be in contact. But the truth is everything is changing. Our family will never be the same. My head tells me this is the right decision for them, but my heart is broken, and it feels as if she has died.

Grieving a Loss

I've been confused by my restlessness, my heavy heart, my sadness, my anger deep inside for the last several weeks. Then, it hit me today. I am going through the stages of mourning a loss. For as long as I've had a relationship with my husband and been involved with my husband's family, my sister-in-law has been there with me for the last 17 years. Now she will not be there.

While she alone is not to blame for the divorce {After all, it takes two to tango.}, she is the one leaving the family, and she is the one who is bearing the brunt of my feelings.

According to the experts, grief is not a single event; it is a process. It takes time. There are stages each person goes through while sorting out the details in one's head and heart. These stages of mourning can occur due to the death of a family member, a friend or a beloved pet; a divorce; a breakup; loss of job; or other major loss.

Seven Stages of Grief

Here are the Seven Stages of Mourning a Loss, specifically relating to divorce:

• Shock or Disbelief ~ A person may be unable to believe this is actually happening and be unable to thoroughly process what it will mean. This stage may last only a week or so.
• Denial ~ A family member may deny or literally forget that the divorce is occurring. This is a mind game played to protect the person from the pain of loss.
• Anger ~ This is a common response for a person faced with such a significant decision with little or no perceived power resulting in a potentially negative effect. These circumstances often generate feelings of helplessness, which can fuel an individual's anger.
• Bargaining ~ An individual will attempt to make a deal with God to change the situation. This is not a prevalent stage in all cases though.
• Guilt ~ During this stage, a person may feel that he or she did not do enough to prevent the loss. A person may wish to go back and change things in the past to stop this loss from occurring.
• Depression ~ The state of chronic, debilitating sadness is a common and natural reaction to loss. A person may be stuck in a constant state of reflection of happier times; unable to move forward with life.
• Acceptance and Hope ~ Eventually, the person comes to terms with the reality of loss. With this acceptance there is a realization that life has changed forever, but there is still life and hope and a future. A person can then move forward with a different perspective .

Source: Live Strong

Everyone reacts a bit differently with each stage. Adults and children also have different responses to each stage of grief. For more information about these stages and how children are affected, check out this article on Children Grieving.

Clearing My Head

So, where does that leave me? Stuck somewhere between Anger and Acceptance. While I am not the one going through the divorce and we don't often get to physically see our relatives in Texas, it is a palpable change. And yet, I am surprised by my feelings and by how much this has affected me.

My solution: I'm hitting the open road; I'm getting the heck outta Dodge; I'm taking a road trip with my boys. I can't wait to feel the freedom of the wide open spaces; feel the wind on my face; and get my groove back.

Will I feel better when I return? Maybe; maybe not, but I'll keep working out my feelings and clearing my head. Eventually, I'll reach acceptance and there will be a new normal for our family, but I'll always remember our good times and even our not so good times together as sisters.

The Scoop

Have you experienced such a loss or reaction to such a loss? How did you deal with it? And don't worry; I'm taking you on the road with me. Stay tuned. Over and out....

Anna

You might also like:

Knowing When to Walk Away: Marriage v. Divorce

In the Best Interests of the Children: Child Custody Considerations II

There's a Storm a Brewin' in Minnesota: NOH8MN

 

 

 

Motherly Advice

A marriage is like a tailor made suit. You can slightly alter the suit by hemming it, taking it in, letting it out or changing a small detail here or there, but the only true and perfect fit will be the one for whom the suit was made.

    ~ Anonymous

Over the years, marriages do change; for the good; for the bad; and occasionally without consequence. A marriage can withstand a lot, and a sturdy marriage can roll with the punches, learning from each glancing blow. But a marriage is made for two people only. If a "third wheel" ever works its way in between the couple in the marriage, the marriage no longer fits.

The wedge between the married couple can be work, an affair, a hobby, a friend, an obsession, an addiction or anything that forces its way in often taking over like an invasive weed.

The goal is to spot this "third wheel" and never allow it to get close enough to get its foot in the door. This can be tricky though because sometimes the wedge is disguised as a well-meaning friend or counselor and other times the wedge is not something that can be avoided, but must be reckoned with instead.

Marriage is certainly no easy task; and it's relentless work. But just like anything that's worthwhile, it takes time to perfect. Here's to making sure the suit always fits.

It's Friday…. Go eat some chocolate. It's good for you, and you deserve it!

Anna

Nota Bene: I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all parents and kids are not created equally, but are wholly individual in personality and style. Regardless of these differences, the basic needs of love, patience and support remain constant. Here are the weekly affirmations, tips and reminders. Unless otherwise noted, these are entirely my opinion. Take them with a grain of salt, or not!

 

Knowing When to Walk Away: Marriage v. Divorce

The Big "D"

Divorce has been on our minds lately. Not with regards to our own marriage, but rather that of a couple who means the world to us. We've been supporting, praying and talking with this couple about their marital issues for years now. They have been through every kind of counseling, therapist and retreat you can think of. They've tried and tried and tried to make it work, but it's just not working.

They have now come to the edge of the cliff and are standing toe to toe with the big "D" staring them in the eyes. The time has come to "fish or cut bait."

How Does It Come to This?

Years ago as a law clerk sitting in on dissolution hearings or working on dissolution orders, I used to wonder at what point did the couple in love turn into this couple who cared nothing for each other; this couple who could barely stand to look at each other. I think I have finally grasped the slow and steady transition that takes place with many couples who decide to end their marriages.

Once the "honeymoon period" passes, the couple, burdened by everyday life, drifts apart little by little over days, months and years. Without arguments, discussions and regular heart-to-heart communications this can lead to isolation, hurt feelings, miscommunication and anger. After a while, these feelings turn to resentment, then hatred and finally, worst of all, indifference settles in. In my opinion, once a couple reaches the indifference stage, it's over.

My Two Cents

My husband recently heard that a good marriage is 80% love and 20% hate. I hadn't heard this before, but it makes sense. You spend so much time together; you share so much; your differences become apparent; and those once cute quirks become extremely irritating. So, even couples who are relatively happy and love each other, still get frustrated with each other some of the time. That's just life.

DH and I have been married almost 13 years. This hardly qualifies me as an expert on marriage, but I do know that we've had our rough times and our good times and through it all, this is what I've learned:

• Marriage is hard work;
• You won't always like your spouse, and that's OK.;
• There's always tomorrow;
• Be honest, even if it might hurt feelings;
• Don't stifle your feelings; this will only lead to resentment;
• Talk, talk, talk and listen, listen, listen;
• It's alright to argue;
• But don't hit below the belt;
• Arguing and being mean are two different things;
• Admit when you've screwed up and ask for forgiveness;
• Always have each other's backs;
• Unify as a team, when possible;
• Spend time alone, even if it's in your home after the kids are in bed;
• Listen to your gut feelings;
• Third parties (friends, counselors, etc.) are not in the marriage; you and your spouse hold the keys to your happiness together;    
• If your marriage fails, you are not a failure; and
• Sometimes, marriage dissolution is better than staying married for the sake of staying married.

Life is short and shouldn't be spent constantly fighting with a spouse or feeling repressed and neglected by a spouse. The goal should be to be happy together most of the time and learn to accept as many of the quirks as possible. This will make you happy as an individual and as a couple.

But should the marriage be brought to its knees by an affair or addiction or other revelation or simply too many years of fighting against each other, know when to call it quits. A marriage is not in name and paper alone. A marriage is an action word; it's something you must be constantly tweaking and checking and repairing.

The Scoop

In the words of The Gambler, you've got to know when to fold 'em; know when to walk away; know when to run. A marriage is the same way. I would love to hear your tips for staying happily married {or mostly happily married}. And for the record, the photo in this post is of a pretty happy couple, at least for the time being. Over and out...

Anna

You might also like:

A Happy Home: Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce

Keep the Home Fire Burning: Tips for a Happy and Fulfilling Marriage

Life's Little Moments: The Beginning of the End of a Marriage

In the Best Interest of the Children: Custody Considerations II

Decisions, Decisions

I make decisions for my Darling Boys, intending to promote their welfare and wellbeing, every day. I try to balance the impact it will have on their lives now or in the future with the cost, unintended repercussions, their happiness and mine, their dreams and aspirations and a million other factors. Some of the decisions are small and mundane and others are big and significant. I am not alone in my decision making; their father, my husband, is also there to make such decisions with me.

What I can't imagine is making a decision about which days my Boys would spend with me in my house and which days my Boys would spend in their father's home with him – without me. I can't imagine missing out on a Christmas morning or a Thanksgiving meal or a birthday or any weekend or summer, etc. But there are thousands of families who do make these decisions and pull-through and form new bonds and reaffirm old bonds and go on living and growing just fine.

Marriage Dissolutions

There are many, many reasons why people get divorced. Some decisions to part ways come after long agonizing years of counseling and trying to make things work and others are made fairly quickly after learning of infidelities, addictions, untruths or other event(s). Regardless of the reason, it's never an easy decision and if children are involved the split is particularly painful for all family members.

Courts agree that the best persons to decide the custody arrangements for the children are the parents. The parents are the ones who love and know these young beings better than anyone else on earth. And yet, two parents who have decided to end their marriage are not always capable of making reasonable decisions together.

Custody Considerations

If the parents are unable to come to an agreement about the custody arrangements for their children, the court must step in and make the decision for the parents based on testimony and reports. The judge does not know these kids. The judge may or may not understand 3 year-old boys or 8 year-old girls; and the judge certainly doesn't know that your daughter loves to read Fancy Nancy books or that your son loves honey and bread sandwiches or that your daughter can't sleep without a nightlight or that your son wakes every morning at precisely 6:15 a.m.

In particularly nasty fights, after all of the dirty laundry has been shared with the court, most likely thanks to the battling spouses, the judge will probably wonder if either parent is fit to have custody. The judge will consider information from counselors, teachers, babysitters, psychologists, the parents, etc. And then, the court will have to make a decision based on what he or she thinks is in the best interest of the children.

There are a number of considerations the judge must look at when making such a grave decision:

• Who is the primary caretaker of the children?
• Who is the child's preference for primary physical custody?
• Are there any mental or physical health concerns for the parents?
• Are there any mental or physical health concerns for the child(ren)?
• Are there any religious or cultural considerations?
• Is there an issue regarding maintaining a stable home environment?
• What is the age and sex of the child(ren)?
• Is there any evidence of drug, alcohol, emotional, physical or sex abuse?
• What is the level of contact and relationships with other family members in the area?
• How will school enrollment and other activities be impacted?
• What are the employment situations/schedules of the parents?
• What are the financial situations of the parents?

The court considers these and other unique factors in each case and tries to determine what would be best for the children based on the information he or she has been given. In some instances, if the children are older, the judge will talk with the children involved to determine what the children's preference is and why.

Custody Arrangements

Many parents wish to opt for a shared joint physical custody situation. A true joint physical custody arrangement means the children are spending equal amounts of time with each parent; meaning 3 to 4 nights per parents each week. This arrangement can be very hard on kids. It doesn't allow them to truly have one location to call home and often disrupts school and extracurricular activities. This setup can also be a hindrance for kids trying to make or keep friends, especially if a new school or neighborhood is involved.

A true joint physical custody plan is often chosen by the parents to appease the guilt and sadness of the parents. Courts are cognizant of this fact, and rarely agree to a true joint physical custody arrangement. Instead, courts more often give one parent primary physical custody with both parents jointly sharing legal custody. The judge must always put the kids' interests ahead of the parents' interests, which can be quite different from each other, especially given the anger that often accompanies a marriage dissolution.

One thing to remember about custody arrangements is that it isn't set in stone. One or both parents or the children can come back to court and ask for a modification of the original order. Physical or legal custodians can be changed; child support amounts can be raised or lowered; any other arrangements set out in the original order can be modified; and new issues that arise as the children grow and mature can be addressed by the court, as well.

The Scoop

Divorce is hard for all members of the family; there's no denying that regardless of what brought the marriage to the brink of an abyss. Fighting over the kids makes it infinitely more terrible for everyone. I'm not saying not to fight tooth and nail for your kids if that is the best thing for them, but if it's the best thing for you, think twice. Over and out...

Anna

You might also like:

 

A Happy Home: Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce

A Change in Circumstance: Modification of a Child Support Order

Keep the Home Fire Burning: Tips for a Happy and Fulfilling Marriage

Life's Little Moments: The Beginning of the End of a Marriage

 Losing Ground: Cancer Diagnosis a Custody Consideration?

No Reaction? Custody Considerations

If you were diagnosed with a terminal illness or mental illness or autoimmune disease while going through a divorce or just prior to filing for divorce would you tell your soon to be ex-spouse or your attorney or your kids or your mother or your best friend? Or would you quietly deal with the treatments, therapy or medications and/or side-effects for fear of having this information used against you.

If you aren't going through a separation or divorce, you probably haven't thought about this scenario. Did you realize that your physical and mental health issues could be used as evidence against your parenting capabilities? Did yesterday's post on the Giordano case worry you {even a little}?

I have to admit that I was surprised that yesterday's post on the mom who is losing primary custody of her kids in part due to her stage 4 cancer diagnosis did not stir any emotions or upset any readers. In fact, the article got almost no reaction from the readers.

In general, this has been an inflammatory issue in the mainstream media. Can a parent lose custody of his or her child simply because the parent has been diagnosed with an illness or disease that might at some point in the future render the parent in need of assistance and leave the parent without the capability to care for his or her children?

This idea is scary to me. Not that I am considering divorce or have any type of illness, but the point is that in custody matters it sometimes comes down to the gritty details of people's lives. Nothing seems to be off-limits.

The Giordano & Snyder story of separation is a sad story, but all divorce, separation and child custody matters are sad stories by the very nature of their marrow. Regardless of whether you agree or disagree with divorce or whether the circumstances give the parties no alternatives or whether both parties are in agreement with the property divisions and the custody agreement, the dismantling of families and memories is no easy task for anyone involved.

So, tell me, what do you think about this Giordano case? Is the judge right? Is the father right? Or maybe Giordano is correct? Should she move to Chicago in order to keep primary custody of her kids? What would you do in this situation?

What if it wasn't her illness that was one of the determining factors? What if it was her sexual orientation or her profession or her financial status or her parenting style or her life choices? More on this tomorrow. Over and out...

Anna

You might also like:

 

A Happy Home: Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce

A Change in Circumstance: Modification of a Child Support Order

Keep the Home Fire Burning: Tips for a Happy and Fulfilling Marriage

Life's Little Moments: The Beginning of the End of a Marriage

Losing Ground: Cancer Diagnosis a Custody Consideration?

Brotherly Love

My Darling Boys adore each other. Brother and Brother, as they call each other, have always loved each other. Even before Darling 2 was born, it was Darling 1's voice that made him stir and wriggle with excitement. As much as they love each other, they can also turn on each other quickly: Darling 1 hits Darling 2 for throwing a toy at him; but Darling 2 threw said toy because Darling 1 grabbed another toy from Darling 2; but Darling 1 took the toy because Darling 2 knocked over Darling 1's Lego Tower; but before that they were sitting there playing together as happy as could be.

Of course, that chain of events involves screeching and crying and one or both running to tell mama. I may or may not have seen the whole scene play out, and I get two very one-sided stories. Sometimes I don't know who to discipline and sometimes based on previous evidence I may not care to side with either of the complaining parties.

If I have seen only the last scene of this act, I may make the wrong choice based on a knee jerk reaction. It's never easy playing judge when it comes to our children, especially if it's a case involving our children against each other. All evidence must be reviewed and the outcome must be in their best interest.

Child Custody Considerations

Such is the case in every single child custody matter. In marriage, the parties start out adoring each other, but if a marriage becomes broken in a way that can't be fixed, the couple can quickly turn on each other, especially in matters involving children. When this happens, a judge must hear evidence, review it, apply the law and make a ruling based on the law and the evidence presented.

It's rarely easy for a judge to decide who should have primary custody. Most of the time, the judge has two parents before him or her who love their children and capably provide for them. Judges must consider many factors that will ultimately determine what is in the best interest of the children as best as the judge can tell.

A judge sometimes makes the wrong decision. A judge often rules in a way that is upsetting to one side, if not both sides, in a divorce proceeding. It's no easy task. Above all cases a trial court judge must rule upon it's the family issues that give them the longest pause. I've been there {as a law clerk} and watched judges weighing the evidence, trying to make the right decision for all parties.

A Shift in Custody

In April 2011, a Durham, NC, judge ordered the primary custody of two young children to shift to their father. This shift in custody requires the kids, one boy, age 6, and one girl, age 11, to move from Durham to the Chicago, IL, area, effective June 17, 2011. You have probably heard about this case in the last few weeks or months.

What makes this child custody case more newsworthy than the hundreds that are decided every day across this country? Well, the mother in this case has Stage 4 Breast Cancer. While the judge's Order outlines many of the issues considered in making this decision, the media's focus has been on the cancer issue.

Giordano & Snyder

The knee jerk reaction to reading the titles to the articles about this case is, how awful...how heartless...how discriminatory, etc. That's what I thought when I saw the headline, Mom Loses Custody of Children Due to Stage 4 Breast Cancer or something similarly inflammatory.

The story, no matter whose side you take, is heart-wrenching when you consider the children at the heart of this case. Alaina Giordano was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007. In 2010, Giordano and her husband, Kane Snyder, separated. Since the two separated, Snyder accepted a job in the Chicago, IL, area and moved there. Giordano remains in Durham, NC, a single, stay-at-home mom, supported by Snyder.

The record is fraught with issues and finger pointing from both sides: after a fight, both parties spent a night in jail in 2009; both claim infidelity on the part of the other spouse; both have filed and dropped no contact orders based upon allegations of domestic violence; and neither is willing to move for various valid reasons.

The Order

The judge looked at all of these issues and more, including the fact that Giordano does have Stage 4 Breast Cancer, even though she is stable and the cancer is not progressing at this time, and decided that the father, Snyder, was the best choice for primary custody if Giordano won't move to the Chicago area. Snyder must consider his employment and insurance benefits that supports and covers all parties and is not able to move. Giordano says she needs to stay where her medical team and support system are located and can't move.

But can the judge consider the medical health of the parents in making this decision? Ultimately, the judge must decide what is in the best interest of the kids. This is, of course, subjective, and could be answered differently by different people. While the precise meanings and factors vary from state to state, the "best interests of a child" is determined by considering the mental and physical health, safety and welfare of a child, permanency issues, emotional ties and family relationships, domestic violence issues, mental and physical health of parents, parents' capacity to provide a safe home, food, clothing and other essentials, etc.

The judge did consider the impact Giordano's illness could have on the children, based on testimony from a child development expert, but the judge also looked at financial factors, anger management issues, relationship issues, issue involving the kids' general well-being, and other factors.

Giordano has vowed to appeal, but family law orders are not often disturbed by higher courts because the trial court judges receive evidence and testimony first-hand and use this first-hand knowledge to make these weighty decisions.

The Scoop

There has been an outpouring of support for Giordano in the wake of this decision. As a mother, my heart aches for any mother who must be separated from her children for any reason. As an attorney and former law clerk, I understand how the judge could have ruled in this way. The 27 page Order makes clear to me that the judge did not take this matter lightly.

The short of it is life isn't fair and not all ends well in love and war. The long of it is there's a mom who has metastasized cancer with a poor prognosis, but is doing well now, who is not only losing primary custody of her kids, but is having to ship them off to a new city almost 900 miles away.

Regardless of whether this Order is right or wrong, the issue of parental health, present and future, regarding custody issues, is a slippery slope question. I will be exploring this question and other custody considerations in the next several days. Over and out...

Anna

You might also like:

A Happy Home: Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce

A Change in Circumstance: Modification of a Child Support Order

Keep the Home Fire Burning: Tips for a Happy and Fulfilling Marriage

Life's Little Moments: The Beginning of the End of a Marriage

Cyberstalking: Stalking Awareness Month Part IV

They Say Change is Inevitable

Fifty percent of our four-member household is pretty much anti-change. Care to guess which 2 family members I'm referring to? I speak of myself and Darling 1. Darling 2 and DH are generally more go with the flow kind of guys. I wish I could say the same about the whole family.

When faced with change we, the anti-change advocates, first think about the proposed change for a week or two; just mull it over in our heads. Next, we question the reasoning behind the change and necessity of it for the next several weeks. Then, we promptly reject the change. When told the change is not an option, but a reality, we dig our heels in and prepare for all out war. Being forced to accept the change only strengthens our resolve to maintain our position. Life goes on. We might begin to realize the change is not so bad, maybe even a good thing after 6 months to a year. I wish I could say I'm exaggerating about this.

The Dawning of a New Age

Well, this is how I felt about the Internet and email back in the day. I did not grasp the whole concept. Very few people had email. Even fewer businesses had websites. I had just gotten used to a cell phone for Pete's sake. When I graduated from college I had never even used the Internet. When I entered law school West Publishing (still just West then, not Thomson West, and certainly not Thomson Reuters West) still sent the law students CDs to download the new caselaw, statutes, regulations, etc. rather than going online to their database. It all seems so absurd now, but then it's what I was familiar with and it was comfortable; why change?

Fast forward 10 or 15 years, I have now totally accepted the Internet and all the information it has to offer; Facebook was taking off, but I was not on board. I was being bombarded by friends requesting me to join, repeatedly asking why I was not on Facebook. I resisted wholeheartedly. I did not need to be putting that kind of personal, mundane or silly information out for the world, or the world as I chose it to be, for viewing and commenting. I finally gave up the good fight and relented, joining Facebook in December 2009. I was never an overzealous member, but I did connect with a few old friends from high school and college.

How Did I Get Here?

Then, in March of 2010, I launched a blog? What was I thinking? Didn't I know that I was going to have to share all kinds of personal information with not only family and friends, but also total strangers (if I was a success)? {Gasp} Didn't I know I was going to have to create not only a Facebook fan page, but also join Twitter? {Double Gasp} Well, I have done it, and I have enjoyed it too. Who knew?

What I have noticed is that the longer I am at this social media thing, the more relaxed I am about divulging personal thoughts, feelings and facts. Which brings me to my point...This might come as a shock to some of you who feel as comfortable as I do surfing the World Wide Web, but there are some who do harm through these portals. I'm talking about cyberstalking.

Cyberstalking

If you read last week's posts, you know that January is Stalking Awareness Month. Last week I discussed stalking laws, resources for dealing with stalkers, and a stalking awareness television program onInvestigation Discovery Channel this week. This post is about cyberstalking laws and resources.

Cyberstalking is a relatively new crime, developing right along with the information super highway. The National Center for Victims of Crime (NCVC) defines cyberstalking as threatening behavior or unwanted advances directed at another using the Internet and other forms of online and computer communications. Just about everyone has access to a computer, which provides a stalker with access to victims without ever having to leave home or make physical contact with a victim.

Cyberstalking Statistics

WHOA (Working to Halt Online Abuse) has been keeping Cyberstalking statistics since 2000 and the numbers tell a somewhat different story from that of the traditional stalking crimes:

• 72.5% of cyberstalking victims are female (similar to traditional stalking stats);
• 70% of cyberstalking victims are Caucasian (again similar to traditional stalking stats);
• 40.5% of cyberstalking victims are 18-30 years old (still similar)
• Here's where the story changes, only 50.5% of the cyberstalking victims had a relationship of any kind with the stalker;
• 49% of the stalkers were male; 29% were female; 1.5% multiple people/gangs; and 21.5% unknown;
• Email was the most common form of stalking, but these statistics were based on the years 2o00-2009. Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other applications were just beginning to take root and grow and don't even show up in the list until 2008 (My Space) and 2009 (Facebook). Twitter isn't even in the list. I expect these numbers to change in the next few years;
• 68% of the cyberstalking victims reported the crime (in general, traditional stalking crimes don't get reported until the contacts have escalated quite a bit); and
• Only 27.5% of the cyberstalking victims report the stalking to have escalated offline, but 63.75 % of the victims say that the stalking activity did escalate online.

Source: www.haltabuse.org

Cyberstalking Laws

According to the National Conference on StateLegislatures (NCSL), 16 states don't have cyberstalking laws, including TX and MD. However, these states do have cyberharassment and/or cyberbullying statutes. All states have at least one of the cyber crime laws on the books. You can access your specific state's law(s) by clicking NCSL above. Cyberstalking crimes are included in the general stalking statute(s) of most states, although some states, like WA State, have separate cyberstalking statutes.

Tips and Resources

The NCVC provides a list of tips and resourcesfor victims of cyberstalking. Another site with good resource information is CyberGuards.com. Some of the information is basic common sense: Don’t post personal, confidential information online; Don’t share your address, birthdate, and in many cases, real name; Do pick strong passwords with letter, numbers and special characters; Do use good judgment before agreeing to meet a person in real life that you have corresponded with online; Do notify law enforcement agencies if you are fearful for your safety. Both sites have additional detailed information about what to do if you are a victim of cyberstalking.

The Scoop

Technology has grown and changed by leaps and bounds over the last 20 plus years. My Darling Boys don't know a world without the Internet or Smart phones. I can only imagine what the world will look like by the time they are adults. The Internet has brought the world into our homes. We can experience culture, war, music, TV, movies, sports, minute-by-minute coverage of ground-breaking news; we can play games; we can communicate with family, friends or strangers without ever leaving the comfort of our home. It's an amazing world we live in, but sometimes these conveniences are used in a way that causes harm to another, and this is a crime. So, be aware as you cruise along the information super highway. Over and out…

Anna

You might also like:

 

Our Comfortable Connection: The Information You Post Online Could Be Used Against You

Grown Up Bullies: The Legal Remedies ofAdult Bullying

The Quest for Peace on Earth: DomesticViolence & the Holidays

Know It. Name It. Stop It. Stalking Awareness Month Part II {Repost}

Friend or Foe

Through the years, I've had a friend or two who crossed the line of being friendly and became overbearing; who showed up at my door uninvited at inconvenient times; who was angry with me for not answering my phone when she called, repeatedly; who sometimes drove to my home to tell me she had been calling and I was not answering; who was jealous of the time I spent with DH (who was then Dear Boyfriend); who gave me expensive gifts; and the list goes on. These things made me nervous at times; angry at other times; and left me feeling stuck in the "friendship."

I severed ties with these folks years ago. And while I never feared for my safety, to this day I worry that one of them will show up at my doorstep some day. In fact, just a few years ago, I got a Christmas card from one. The card was sent to an address she should not have had. Every few years, I get emails from these people sent to email addresses they shouldn't know about. One or both of these people could be reading this very post for all I know. These experiences serve as reminders that anyone can find just about any kind of information he or she is looking for on the Internet.

I wrote in yesterday's post that I have never been stalked and while I wouldn't have called these "friends" stalkers then, when looking at the definition of a stalker they come very close to fitting the bill.

Stalking Statistics

Only 10% of victims are being stalked by strangers. The majority of stalking is done by someone the victim knows. And generally, not only do the victims know their stalkers, but they have had close relationships with these people. According to National Center of Victims of Crime (NCVC), people with disabilities have a higher chance of being stalked. "Stalkers may target these victims because of their disabilities or exploit their disabilities in committing crimes." Source: NCVC

StalkingAwarenessMonth.org reports that only 37% of male victims and 41% of female victims report this crime to police. The website says there are three reasons for this: 1) the person minimizes the seriousness of his or her experience; 2) the person does not understand the behavior of the stalker is criminal; and 3) the person being stalked doesn't think the police will take the stalking incidents seriously.

What Constitutes Stalking

In many jurisdictions , the crime of stalking begins with the second harassing, intimidating, threatening or terrorizing encounter. If you, a friend or family member is experiencing any of the following, you, your friend or family member may have a stalker:

• Follow you and show up wherever you are.
• Send unwanted gifts, letters, cards, or e-mails.
• Damage your home, car, or other property.
• Monitor your phone calls or computer use.
• Use technology, like hidden cameras or global positioning systems (GPS), to track where you go.
• Drive by or hang out at your home, school or work.
• Threaten to hurt you, your family, friends or pets.
• Find out about you by using public records or online search services, hiring investigators, going through your garbage, or contacting friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers.
• Posting information or spreading rumors about you on the Internet, in a public place or by word of mouth.
• Other actions that control, track or frighten you.

These behaviors may make the person being stalked feel afraid, threatened, nervous, insecure, confused, unable to sleep, angry, unsafe, alone or a host of other emotions.

Source: www.NCVC.org

Resources

The best website for stalking information and resources is the National Center of Victims of Crime. The NCVC partnered with the Department of Justice Office of Violence Against Women to create the Stalking Resource Center (SRC). The NCVC provides a good list of Things a Person Being Stalked Can Do like keeping a written record of each incident, calling a crisis hotline, developing a safety plan, trusting your own instincts and calling 911 when you feel you are in danger, etc. The items on the list are simple and involve common sense, but if your safety and sanity are being compromised, you may need this type of list. The website also has a great number of Resources listed.

The Scoop

Stalking rarely stops on its own. In fact, stalking often escalates over time. NCVC reports that 11% of victims have been stalked for over 5 years. Stalking is a serious crime and should be regarded as such.

Click Stalking Awarenes Quiz to test your Stalking knowledge. Hint: If you have read this post and yesterday's post you should get all of the answers correct.  Over and out…

Anna

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Crossing the Line: Stalking Awareness Month

Paranoia

While I have never been stalked, at least I don't think I have, the mere thought of it unnerves me. As I have told you multiple times, I have a paranoia-prone brain (remember the post about being a paranoid traveler). For instance, one of the reasons I love all the snow in the winter is that I can see if there are any fresh footprints around my house. Now, mind you, there are many reasons I love the snow, but that seriously is one of the reasons.

Yes, I know that sounds crazy and over the top, but hear me out. I am also the kind of person that will keep driving if there is someone driving behind me who has made too many of the same turns. Anything that could be termed out of the ordinary, strange, odd or weird does not set well with me. I am a people watcher. I sometimes have a strong sense of foreboding that something foul is afoot; and often I'm right. I take the cautious approach. I try not to leave much to chance. I don't need a stalker to keep me looking over my shoulder.

Stalking

While the crime of stalking is nothing new, the avenues for stalking have changed as our society has evolved into a social media loving community. It's not hard to find out where a person lives; who a person lives with; where a person works; whether the person is on Twitter, Facebook, Linked-In, My Space, etc.; how to contact a person by phone or email; information about a person's friends and family; if a person serves on boards or committees; which candidate(s) a person has supported through donations; and thanks to FourSquare and other applications, you can often track the exact whereabouts of a person at any given time.

Last week a reader tipped me off about January being Stalking Awareness Month. I was glad for the information and for the chance to learn more about stalking issues and laws. Stalking crimes affect 3.4 million Americans per year, according to the National Center for Victims of Crimes (NCVC). The Stalking Awareness campaign slogan is "Stalking. Know It. Name It. Stop It."

Types of Stalking

There are traditional methods of stalking and there's cyberstalking. Cyberstalking is when a person uses the Internet, email and other social platforms to harass, threaten and/or frighten a person. Stalking is threatening, harassing and/or frightening a person by following, calling, showing up in the same locations as a person, sending mail or objects to a person, vandalizing a person's property. A stalker may use online resources to find out information about a person, but not necessarily stalk the person online. This post is about traditional methods of stalking and the laws meant to protect those being stalked. On Wednesday, I will post on cyberstalking laws.

Findlaw defines three types of stalking:

1. Erotomania: often committed by a female and is delusional obsession with a public figure or someone out of the stalker's reach;
2. Love Obsessional: Involves an individual stalking someone with whom they think they are in love; and
3. Simple Obsessional: Stalking by someone the victim knows; often an estranged spouse or partner.

Stalking is generally not a random crime, but is most often perpetrated by someone who knows the victim. In fact, stalking is often a domestic violence crime; a Simple Obsessional Stalking. Stalking involving estranged spouses or partners often includes:

• Repeated threatening or harassing behaviors, such as phone calls;
• Following a person;
• Showing up at a person's home or place of business;
• Vandalizing property; and
• Other activities that make a person fearful for his or her safety.

Source: http://family.findlaw.com

Stalking Laws

Stalking is a crime in all 50 states, D.C., U.S. territories and under Federal statutes. Stalking laws do vary by jurisdiction. You can check your state's stalking statutes on the NCVC State by State Legislation page. But I will use the MN stalking statute as an example of how stalking is defined. MN Statute § 609.749 defines "stalking" as "conduct which the actor knows or has reason to know would cause the victim under the circumstances to feel frightened, threatened, oppressed, persecuted, or intimidated; and causes this reaction on the part of the victim regardless of the relationship between the actor and victim." In Minnesota, no specific intent is required.

In IL a new stalking law went into effect on Jan. 1, 2010. Prior to the Stalking No Contact Order Act, not all stalking victims were protected; only those victims in a domestic relationship with the stalker or victims of sexual assault. Now, IL stalking victims can seek a No Contact Order even if there was no previous relationship between the victim and stalker.

NCVC provides these statistics on stalking laws:

• Less than 1/3 of states classify stalking as a felony upon first offense.
• More than 1/2 of states classify stalking as a felony upon second offense or subsequent offense or when the crime involves aggravating factors.
• Aggravating factors may include: possession of a deadly weapon, violation of a court order or condition of probation/parole, victim under 16 years, or same victim as prior occasions.

Since there is often very little, if any, evidence of stalking it's often difficult to recognize and name the crime, hence the Stalking Awareness slogan. Minnesota’s Battered Women’s Legal Advocacy Project has developed and applied the Stalking Response Program. This program trains law enforcement, prosecution, victim service providers and judicial participants in "the nature of stalking and its intersection with domestic violence and sexual assault in addition to providing technical assistance to those who are looking at developing a CCR (Coordinated Community Response) in their community." This program has been well received.

The Scoop

On Tuesday, I will write about how stalkers act and things they do in stalking, as well as how a victim or family member should respond. Please share this post and pass along the information that January is Stalking Awareness Month. Over and out…

Anna

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The Quest for Peace on Earth: Domestic Violence & the Holidays {Post from the Past}

 Happy Holidays?

This festively bright and merry holiday season is a time of celebrating, catching up with family and friends, gift giving, laughing and spreading joy, for most, but it can also be a time of stress, parties where alcohol is served and memories from Christmases past that weren't filled with holiday joy. Add to this, unemployment and financial woes that tend to add even more strain to already explosive relationships, and often this combination can lead to incidents of domestic violence.

While domestic violence of any kind at any time of year is heartbreaking, it's especially unsettling during the holidays. And in fact, it's during the holidays that reports of domestic violence actually increase. Some research shows 911 calls regarding domestic violence increase by 22% on Thanksgiving; 17% on Christmas; and 32% on New Year's Eve.

Legal Remedies

If you (or someone you know) are in a violent relationship the first step to regaining control over your life is to call the police and report the violence. A report will be filed and criminal charges may also be filed against the person committing the acts of domestic violence. To further protect you and/or your children, you will need to petition for a protective order.

Most laws relating to domestic violence are state laws. Each state has its own term for the particular protective court order. However, in general, the protective order is a type of injunction that stops a person from coming near another person and his or her home, place of work, child's school or daycare or even other family members' homes. This type of court order is referred to as a restraining order; an order for protection; a protection from abuse order; temporary or permanent order for protection, etc. For state specific information, see http://www.womenslaw.org/laws.php.

Getting a Protective Order

You will have to go to court to obtain a protective order. Often, there are domestic violence advocates through the sheriff's office or the court system who can help with the process of filing a petition and going before a judge to obtain such an order. It's important to have as much specific information regarding the abuse and any evidence such as, photos, text messages, emails, etc. to present to the court.

Here is a general description of the process for obtaining a protective order (however, keep in mind, the exact procedure will vary from state to state):

1. If the judge decides you are indeed in need of a protective order, he or she will grant your petition immediately. This will be your temporary order. You will need to carry a copy with you at all times and file one copy with the police;
2. After the order is issued, it becomes effective once the abuser is notified by the Court by receiving a copy of the order;
3. Within 10 days to 4 weeks, you will have to attend another hearing where your abuser will get a chance to tell his or her side of the story. You and your abuser may bring attorneys. Or you can contact the local domestic violence program for help in finding a pro-bono attorney and/or aid in preparing your case against your abuser;
4. You must be prepared to tell your story again. Bring witnesses and all available evidence that shows abuse, threats, violence, etc.;
5. The judge can extend the protective order for a year or more if it appears from the evidence presented that there is a continued need for such an order.

Source: www.aardvarc.org

An Abuse, Rape, and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection (AARDVARC) points out that a protective order can do many things:

Any of the following provisions that apply to your situation may be added to the basic order:  

• Restraining Order - Your abuser must not come near you or abuse you again.
• Vacate Order - Your abuser must move out of the shared residence.
• Child support Order - Requires your abuser to provide temporary support for the children.
• Custody Order - You will receive temporary custody of your children. Remember, without a court order saying otherwise, a spouse or other legally recognized guardian has every legal right to take the kids.
• Restitution Order - Requires an abuser to compensate you for lost wages, medical expenses, or other costs and damages.

Source: www.aardvarc.org

The Scoop

It's up to you to speak up and explain and/or clarify any information for the court to ensure that your protective order does protect you and your children as much as possible. It's also important to keep in mind that each state's procedure and laws vary. WomensLaw.org (http://www.womenslaw.org/laws.php) is a great resource for finding your state's laws regarding domestic violence, as well as the agencies available to offer aid and the legal remedies available to you. There are many resources available to help men, women and children leave abusers. If you and/or your children are in imminent danger go to a hospital, a church or synagogue or a police station.

But bear in mind that a protective order is just a piece of paper. It is not a magical force field that protects those listed from all harm. If only there was something like that. Often, that piece of paper is not enough to stop the rage and violence that permeates some relationships.  In such cases, taking the steps to get a protective order may or may not be in one's best interest.

On Wednesday, I'll post the warning signs of domestic violence and triggers to watch for, such as holiday parties where alcohol is served, etc. and tips for helping a friend or family member get out of a dangerous relationship. Over and out…

Anna

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A Happy Home: Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce

Lessons from Home

Everyone is always concerned about the children when the parents decide to end their marriage. How will the split affect the children? How are the children handling the divorce? These are valid questions. A divorce certainly affects everyone in the household, as well as extended family and friends. It's an awkward situation. Emotions are confused. Loyalty skewed. But quite honestly I believe that if the parents are fighting nonstop or angry and resentful towards each other, even if silently doing so, the children living in the midst of that storm will feel the cold and bitter rain as a result of the fallout.

I think that holding on to a marriage simply for the kids' sake teaches the wrong lesson. I think it teaches the kids that a parent's happiness is not important and if you make a mistake you are stuck with it with no way out, regardless of the toll it takes on the family. I think a bad, unhappy, unfulfilling marriage fails to show kids what a marriage is supposed to be; how great a marriage can and should be; that a marriage is supposed to be a positive attachment. Staying married at all costs does not teach a child that it's OK to leave a bad and/or dangerous situation and forge ahead on one's own. Personally, that is not what I want to teach my Darling Boys about love and marriage.

A House Built of Love

Darling 1 has informed me that there is no reason to look any further, dear old mom is the one for him. I shall be his wife, and he is never moving out of our house; or so he reports at the ripe age of 4. Clearly, we still have a long way to go before Darling 1 and Darling 2 find spouses to settle down with and create their own families, but it's never too early to start modeling the behavior you want your kids to pick up and put into practice. My goal is to create a loving, peaceful and calm household. Unfortunately, we are not always peaceful or calm. By nature I, DH and the Darling Boys are all stubborn yellers and debaters. This is something we are all working on. Regardless of our boisterous tendencies, we do all love and care about it each other through thick and thin. And that is what we have to remember.

Tips for Easing the Confusion of a Divided House

When a marriage ends and one family divides into two families it can be a difficult, confusing, upsetting, disorienting time for the kids. After all it's the children who will have to maintain two residences. It's the children who may have to change schools, leaving behind friends and teachers. It's the children who have their established routines uprooted and rescheduled to work with the custody plan that works with the parents' locations and schedules. It's the children who have to try to keep up relationships with both parents, regardless of who the custodial parent is and regardless of what the parents think of each other.

Even though in the end, both parents may be better, happier, well-adjusted individuals and parents, which is a positive for the kids involved, there is a lot of pressure, stress and emotional upheaval during the divorce proceedings and in the early stages of post-divorce, for the kids and the parents. It's vital that the parents work together to provide as much stability and normalcy as possible, as well as providing a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and lots of love and support.

Children and Divorce: Helping Kids Cope with Separation and Divorce offers these simply, but powerful tips: 

• Help Kids Express Feelings

For kids, divorce can feel like loss: the loss of a parent, the loss of the life they know. You can help your children grieve and adjust to new circumstances by supporting their feelings.

• Listen. Encourage your child to share their feelings and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected. 
• Help them find words for their feelings. It's normal for children to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk.
• Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. If they aren't able to share it, they will have a harder time working through it.
• Acknowledge their feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand. 

 

• Clearing Up Misunderstandings

Many kids believe that they had something to do with the divorce, recalling times they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. You can help your kids let go of this misconception.

• Set the record straight. Repeat why you decided to get a divorce. Sometimes hearing the real reason for your decision can help.
• Be patient. Kids may seem to "get it" one day and be unsure the next. Treat your child's confusion or misunderstandings with patience.
• Reassure. As often as you need to, remind your children that both parents will continue to love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce.

 

• Give Reassurance and Love

Children have a remarkable ability to heal when given the support and love they need. Your words, actions, and ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your children of your unchanging love.

• Both parents will be there. Let your kids know that even though the physical circumstances of the family unit will change, they can continue to have healthy, loving relationships with both of their parents.
• It'll be okay. Tell kids that things won't always be easy, but that they will work out. Knowing it'll be all right can provide incentive for your kids to give a new situation a chance.
• Closeness. Physical closeness—in the form of hugs, pats on the shoulder, or simple proximity—has a powerful way of reassuring your child of your love.
• Be honest. When kids raise concerns or anxieties, respond truthfully. If you don't know the answer, say gently that you aren't sure right now, but you'll find out and it will be okay.

Here is a good list of Don'ts from the Mayo Clinic:

• Don't speak badly about your spouse in front of your child.
• Don't make accusations against your spouse in front of your child.
• Don't force your child to choose sides.
• Don't use your child as a messenger or go-between.
• Don't argue or discuss child support issues in front of your child.
• Don't pump your child for information about the other parent.
• Don't use your child as a pawn to hurt the other parent.

Websites

Both of these websites have great information about how to tell your kids about the divorce and what it means to how much information and what type of information to tell your kids to how to take care of yourself, mentally and physically, as you go through this life change to ensure that you continue to be the best parent you can be to how to handle your child if he or she acts out during this difficult time, etc. There is a wealth of knowledge on this topic at both of these sites:

http://helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm

http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/help_child_divorce.html# 

This website lists a variety of activities to do with your kids to start conversations about the divorces; discuss feelings and emotions; provide practical information, like new addresses, name changes, etc. The suggestions include physical activities like running or bike riding to help in dealing with the emotions or drawing pictures to express feelings. There are activities listed for children of all ages. This is a great resource for helping your kids cope with what divorce is and what it means for each family member involved: http://californiadivorce.info/psychology.children.activities.htm

The Scoop

What's the best thing a parent can give a child? The answer: Stability, unending love and support, acceptance, and the tools to become an honest, happy, respectful, independent, well-adjusted adult. How does a parent impart all of these key pieces of knowledge? The answer: Everyone has a different way of teaching their kids, but for some people that will mean leaving a bad situation, starting fresh, learning a new life, being happy and being true to oneself. And by the way, I do happen to know some exceptional people who are excellent parents whose parents divorced when they were young children. A divorce does not define who someone is or who someone will become.

What are your thoughts on this subject? I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment. On Friday, I will post a bit of Motherly Advice. Over and out…

Anna

Don't miss a single post. Subscribe today. Look on the lower right sidebar for the subscription box. You can also follow Motherly Law on Twitter and Facebook. Just click on the links also located on the lower, right sidebar.

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A Change in Circumstance: Modification of a Child Support Order

Crazy Days

Sometimes my very spirited, stubborn, minds-of-their-own Darling Boys drive me crazy. Absolutely crazy. The whining, the sibling arguments, the unreasonable requests, the whining, the turning of a deaf ear to every word spoken by a parent, the asking for a particular food, but not eating even one bite once it is placed in front of him, the whining; all of this in the span of 1 hour. It's enough to make me want to run screaming from the house. But even then, at the end of the day (when they're fast asleep with the promise of a new day upon us), I can't imagine going a single day without seeing them, hearing them and knowing I have access to them.

The Brighter Side

Now don't get me wrong, my boys are also extremely sweet, caring, creative, imaginative, charming Darlings. I love the fact that they don't just go along with the flow just because everyone else is (This is a good trait to have as an adult. See Motherly Advice from August 20). I am proud of the thoughtful, interesting questions on advanced subjects that formulate in Darling 1's brain. I am amazed at how well and how quickly Darling 2 learns to do things just by watching his big brother or another bigger kid doing it. I adore the sound of their laughter, especially when they are making each other laugh.

DH and I have been blessed with these wonderful, feisty, hilarious, mischievous kids. Thanks to the breaks I get from my kids to get work done, have lunch with a friend or business contact, Girls' Night Out, date night, etc., I am able to face each unpredictable day of new adventures in uncharted territory every single morning.

Physical Custody

Many parents do have to go a weekend, a week or two, or even a month or more without seeing their kids because for whatever reason their marriage or relationship did not work out. Once a couple splits, when it comes to physical custody, the child(ren) from that relationship will have a custodial parent and a noncustodial parent, except for a joint custody situation. While there are some families who devise a system of joint custody, where each parent has 50% of the responsibility in caring for the child(ren) and both are considered custodial parents, it does not usually work very well from a practical standpoint and is not granted by the court in many cases. Generally, both parents retain legal custody of their child(ren), with some exceptions.

It's more common to see a situation where one parent has physical custody of the child(ren) and is referred to as the custodial parent. For instance, one frequently used custody arrangement looks like this: the custodial parent has physical custody of the child(ren), except for every other weekend, half the holidays, and one month in the summer, and the noncustodial parent pays child support to the custodial parent.

Child Support

Child support helps to pay for the child(ren)'s clothing, food, medical expenses, personal care items, educational needs, etc. Each family's custody plan and child support amounts are different and are specifically tailored to their individual needs and resources. The amount of support the noncustodial parent is required to pay to the custodial parent is based on salaries, expenses, and physical custody plans.

Modification of Support Order

Once the child custody plan and support amounts are agreed to by the parties and/or court, it remains in full force until and unless a modification of the support order is filed by a parent and granted by the court. A material change in circumstance for either the custodial or noncustodial parent such as a loss of a job, loss of medical insurance, an increase or decrease of salary, additional children to support, a medical disability of parent, change in educational or medical needs of child, etc. can trigger a need to seek a modification of a support order.

It's wise to seek the advice of an experience family law attorney should you need to file such a motion. There are several steps to take in order to request a modification of support with the court.

Step 1: Is there a Change in Circumstance?

A change in either parent's financial and/or employment status or a significant change in the child and his or her needs and expenses is usually the kind of change of circumstance to trigger a modification of a support order.

Step 2: Gather Supporting Evidence.

You need to obtain and document the change in circumstance. For instance, you may need to file a new income statement to show a decrease in income. Or you may have to get documentation showing the cost of a new ongoing medical treatment for your child, etc.

Step 3: Determine Which Form to File.

Each state court has different procedures and different terminology. Some courts may call the form you need to use a motion, others call it a petition. Some courts have standardized forms and others don't. You or your attorney will need to contact the court to find out the proper procedure and forms to use in pursuing a modification of a support order.

Step 4: File the Documents with the Proper Court

Again, contact your court of jurisdiction to check about the proper court with which to file your motion. Some states have general civil action courts, while others have separate family courts.

Step 5: Serve Other Parent with Modification Documents

It's the plaintiff's responsibility to serve copies of the petition, supporting documents, summons and other required paperwork on the other parent. The plaintiff is the parent who is seeking the modification. Once again, it's important to check with the court to make sure that you are using the correct method of service. For instance, some courts may require service by process (in person by someone other than you), while others may require it be done by mail. You may also have to serve your state's child support enforcement agency. So, be sure to check about that requirement too.

Step 6: Complete and Return a Proof of Service to the Court

A proof of service is a standard form where the person who completed the service attests that the copies of the court documents were in fact served upon the other parent.

The Best Interest of the Child

The most important thing is that your child is being provided for in the best way possible; that the child's basic needs are being met. There are times that child support payment amounts can become burdensome for the parent paying the support or the parent receiving the support. Life happens. Things change for good and bad. It's best to file for a modification, even if on a temporary basis, before you become delinquent in your child support payments (if you are the payor) or before you are late in paying the mortgage payment or medical expenses, etc. (if you are the payee).

The motion to modify is not automatically granted by the court, but will be carefully considered and decided based upon the current circumstances of the parents and child(ren). Ultimately the judge's order will reflect whatever is in the best interest of the child(ren) at that time.

The Importance of the Court

If you are on good terms with your ex spouse, you might be tempted to enter a non-binding oral agreement with him or her regarding the amount owed or changes in the amount paid for a certain amount of time, etc. However, it's vitally important to all parties involved to get the modification formally agreed to and recognized by the court. It will save you in the future if there are additional issues or problems regarding the support payments or order later.

The Scoop

The custody and support orders are never set in stone for the duration of the concerned child(ren)'s childhood. Instead, those orders can continually be changed and tweaked as parental circumstances change, the child ages and matures, etc. The petitioned changes are often in the best interest of the child(ren), and the courts recognize this.

In the coming weeks, I will address other custody issues, such as physical custody schedules, a parent moving out of state, etc. I would love to hear from you on these topics. Please drop me a line about this post, other posts or a topic idea. You can leave a comment below, or you can reach me through Twitter, Facebook or by email (through my About page above, left). On Wednesday, I will post tips on how to provide a positive and stable environment for your child while you and your spouse are going through a divorce. Over and out…

Anna

Don't miss a single post. Subscribe today. Look on the lower right sidebar for the subscription box. You can also follow Motherly Law on Twitter and Facebook. Just click on the links also located on the lower, right sidebar.

 

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