DOG|GOD: Reflections on a Loss

It helps to talk about him often; even in the ordinary, everyday kind of conversation. His loss has been hard on us. Just when you think the deep grief has passed one of us has a sudden moment of sadness. I wasn't sure how much his death would affect our Darling Boys.

After all, they are just 5 and half and 3 and a half; how much would they understand about death and loss? Their responses have been varied and different.

Darling 1 has always been very matter-of-fact about all issues surrounding God and heaven. So, he has easily accepted that our beloved Saint, Ben, is in heaven with God, but refuses to talk about memories of Ben because it makes him too sad. He more openly grieved at the time of Ben's death, unlike his brother.

Darling 2 was exceedingly angry at the moment of Ben's death and in the months since. This was heartbreaking to watch. Darling 2 even asked for a little stuffed St. Bernard puppy for Christmas.

But recently as I was working on my computer with my ear buds in and Pandora station blaring and Darling 2 was sitting next to me watching a children's program on TV, I happened to look at him and saw that his big lower lip was stuck out and he was on the brink of tears. Even with my ear buds in I quickly figured out what was happening.

In the cartoon he was watching a character's pet caterpillar had "died" or so the character and her friends thought. Of course, this pet had not died, but came out of the cocoon as a butterfly. I realized what Darling 2 was thinking about and reassured him that this pet caterpillar was fine.

He told me he was very sad about Ben and cried. He remained in this state for several hours holding on to his little stuffed St. Bernard, finally openly grieving Ben's death. Since that time, he has been able to talk about Ben without getting upset.

Darling 2 even helped me put the photo in the personalized memorial marker that Aunt Dodie gave us for Ben; smiling and laughing at Ben's Christmas photo with a wreath around his neck, taken years before Darling 2 was born. Darling 1 helped me place it under Ben's favorite tree in the back yard, asking me if he could sit next to the marker and talk to Ben. I assured him he certainly could.

Ben's {heavy} box of ashes sits on the desk in our bedroom in a velvet drawstring bag; his favorite room in the house; the room he slept in; the room he died in. We are somehow comforted by the presence of this velvet drawstring bag.

I test myself with his memory every so often; recalling the thickness of his huge ears; letting myself feel how it felt to hug his tremendous neck and bury my face in his soft fur; thinking of the loud thump, thump, thumping of his powerful tail, the flip flapping of his large jowls and the resonance of his low snore; and envision the sweeter than molasses look in his deep brown eyes.

Loss in a family is difficult no matter who or what it is. We all have to mourn in our own ways. It takes time to move on; which we will, but we won't forget one of the greatest of God's creatures. And we all feel certain we will see our gentle giant again.

Darling 1 says that Ben is with Papa K, Will's grandfather who passed away last August. He says it like he knows it to be true. I don't doubt him. Papa K loved dogs and always asked about Ben even though he never got to meet him. I like to picture them together, both happy as a lark together in the eternal light. Over and out...

Benjamin: A DOG Among Dogs (An Obituary)

Anna

Comments

[Marta]

I feel like it would be tough enough for me if one of our dogs died, I can't even imagine how my kids would react.

=(

[TLM]

Just shed more tears in missing dear, sweet Bendy! I have several pictures of Ben about the house and frequently stop to remember how it felt to kiss the top of his head, and how velvety his ears felt, and his Chewbaca sound and the shaking of his head when he wanted a cookie, and how much he loved one on one time out on "his" patio and how wonderful he was to hug!!! He was one very special, very lovable, and loving dog!!