Let It Go: The Mom I Never Meant to Be {On a Soapbox}

Does Any of It Really Matter?

As my devoted readers know, I am careful and attentive and fierce in my parenting ideals. This is not to say that I am perfect. I am not; not even by a long shot. But I am deliberate and constantly doing research, reading articles and labels and warnings and studies, etc.

And yet, does any of it really matter? Does it matter whether my kids don't ever eat high fructose corn syrup in their foods or that I limit hot dog consumption to the once or twice a season trips to major league baseball games or that I didn't send them to day care, but had a part-time nanny for one-on-one fun or that I insist on good and properly fitting bike helmets or that I don't allow my kids alone in the front yard yet or that when they were babies I gave them almost %100 organic food and now as much as I can afford or that I limit screen time{DVDs , Netflix streaming} and held off completely as long as possible? {Yes, this is a run-on sentence – but it's really more like a stream of consciousness statement.}

I think of the kids I know who don't eat fresh fruits and veggies, consuming great quantities of processed crap with no nutritional value whatsoever and yet still function quite well in school and on the field. I see kids at my son's school and can't tell which ones had mom or dad or grandma home full-time compared to those who had nannies on a part-time or full-time basis or those who had full-time daycare from infancy. I see a group of kids all happily playing at the park, climbing and swinging and sliding, all healthy, fit, strong and agile with good large motor skills and it doesn't matter who was breastfed or who was formula fed as an infant.

Lowering Standards

As the years fly by, I know that my guard as a mom has come down; my "rules" are more relaxed; my ideals less stringent. Often I am the mom I never meant to be. I don't always respond in a loving, affective way. I am not always attentive; and some days are wasted days with lots of mindless cartoons. Sometimes we eat at McDonalds; sometimes I bribe with chocolate; and sometimes my kids go to bed after 9 pm. Some days I feel terrible for something I said or how I handled a situation; agonizing over it long after my kids have completely forgotten my little meltdown.

But other days I patiently and enthusiastically explain things in great depth; I spend hours looking up information on Google; I sit and read stacks of books with them; I play super heroes or Cars longer than I care to; I respond to requests, questions and demands in ways that would make the Mother of all Mothers proud; some days I do everything "right."

Does this make me a "good" mom or a "bad" mom? No, it just makes me a human mom.

The Important Stuff

I don't paint a rosy picture of the world. I tell my boys how it is; I tell them how the world works; sometimes it just sucks and sometimes it's amazing; better than anyone could have imagined. I do give my kids credit for understanding difficult concepts. I believe they are wise little beings that I can certainly learn from; and I do on a daily basis.

So, does any of it matter? I don't think much of it does. I think the kids who eat dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets weekly and play video games every evening could be as brilliant, creative and healthy as my boys who have NEVER had any kind of chicken nuggets and who rarely play video games. I think the kids who have very strict rules and those who have the run of the place will all grow up to be productive, responsible adults. And those who watched hours and hours of TV won't be mushy brained deadheads.

I think for the most part what matters is love, forgiveness, security, kindness, second chances and the promise of a new day.

The Scoop

It can be hard to forgive yourself for losing your cool and snapping something petty and mean or having to check out for a few hours while your kids sit with eyes glued to episode after episode of Phineas & Ferb. You know, when you sound like a possessed, hormonal witch from hell or walk around like a blank-minded zombie? This doesn't make you a possessed, hormonal witch from hell or a blank-minded zombie; it means you are a sleep-deprived, over-stressed, probably hormonal mom. Let it go; ask for forgiveness and move on. There's nothing more stressful than trying to be the "perfect" mom.

If you feel like this too; or even if you disagree, please share this post. Over and out...

Anna

Comments

[Casey]

"It can be hard to forgive yourself for losing your cool and snapping something petty and mean or having to check out for a few hours while your kids sit with eyes glued to episode after episode of Phineas & Ferb."

In my view, it's not hard at all. By whose code are we obligated to sacrifice the prime of our own lives to dote on every "According to Hoyle" parenting tactic (not coincidentally promoted by those who stand to make a buck on our compliance, I might add)? Children are there to enrich our lives, not REPLACE them, and I think this basic fact has gotten lost in our child-centric society. Anytime you want to move something forward, a strategic "it's for the children!" whine will get it done, and while there are moments where that may well be a legitimate motivation for an equally legitimate cause, those conditions do NOT always obtain.

I will never be a perfect parent if being a perfect parent means I lay aside everything I wanted for myself to ensure that my children do not drink hormone-laden skim milk or avoid HFCS and unfiltered water for the balance of their days. People tend to forget that "childhood" as a coherent idea has only recently emerged—it's a product of the 1920s. Before that they were known as "field hands" or "factory labor." The shift has been a salutary one, to be sure, but we may well be witnessing the pendulum swinging too far in the other direction.

So flame on, you deluded souls who fancy yourself ideal parents...flame on!