Pets and the Hereafter: Helping Kids Cope with Pet Loss

Rexy

Before I was born, my parents were talked into giving away two of their three cats, believing that it would be better for the baby. Nonetheless, the one cat that remained was a fierce guardian of me and my brother. He was a large gray tabby named Rex who would faithfully run to our assistance and wait for mom to come to our rescue when we cried out. He was loving and tolerant and everything a first pet should be. He died when I was in Kindergarten and I recall being very sad, but it was most upsetting to my mom who had known him, loved him and cared for him so much longer.

As previously mentioned in an earlier post, my childhood home was always populated by a cat or two or three. When tragedy struck and a cat died, we got more kittens. Some came and went without making a huge impact in our lives, but others were members of our family.

Princess

When I was 10 years old, we got Princess. She was just a run of the mill white kitten from the animal rescue. She had a little patch of tabby stripes, a little bit of orange marmalade color and few spots of this and that, but she believed her name was indeed her rank and she ruled her castle and its inhabitants with kindness and love, but always with a firm hand.

Princess lived over 18 years. I was 28 when she died. She was a big part of our family, and it was like losing a member of our family. If you don't really love animals, you won't understand this sentiment, but it was devastating to our family. We still talk about her fondly, just as we do my grandparents or other deceased relatives.

Preparing for Loss

All of my pets are getting elderly and it will be devastating to our family when they die. A huge hole will be left in my heart. They are like children to me. They were my first children after all. First came the cats, relatively independent; then came the puppies, not at all independent in the beginning...oh, who am I kidding, the dogs have never been independent; and finally the Darling Boys, who are getting more and more independent by the day.

The Boys love our dogs and cats and have never known life without them. They understand the animals are getting elderly and Darling 1 knows that one day they will die. We have had a few deaths in our family in the recent past and have talked about death. We believe in God and heaven and do discuss this concept in conjunction with our pets and death. I don't think that Darling 2 completely understands the concept of death yet.

Desser the Best Ever Cat

Nine years ago, when Princess died, I found a children's book about a guy and his cat. The guy meets a girl, guy and girl get married and have a little baby girl, little girl loves cat and vice versa, little girl gets bigger and cats ages, and one day the cat dies. It's the saddest book I've ever read, and I can't read it without crying. Just thinking about it now makes me tear up. The book is Desser the Best Ever Cat by Maggie Smith.

I bought one copy for my parents and one for me. Last year, Darling 1 found that book in the basement among other books in a stack; he wanted me to read it. I begged off for a bit with excuses and suggestions of other books to read. Then, I finally gave in and read it the best I could. By the end, as predicted, I was in tears and could barely get the words out. When I finished reading, the Boys sat very still and quiet, and then Darling 1 ask me to read it again. I said I couldn't and I excused myself to go get a grip and stop the tears. A little later, Darling 1 came in, and sadly said, "But, I don't want Jazzy to die" as he choked back tears.

And neither do I, but he will and so will the others. It's the circle of life; it's inevitable; and he's used up most of his nine lives now. So, when Jazz and Ben and the others leave us, the reality is we will have to help the Darling Boys to make sense of it all and give them the tools to get through this death in the family, while we help ourselves through it, as well.

Tips for Helping Kids Cope with Pet Loss

Besides Desser, which I will be using when the time comes, here are some tips and suggestions for dealing with pet loss and kids:

1. Don't underestimate your children. Tell them the truth. They can handle it, and you owe them the truth;
2. Hold a memorial service for your pet with family and/or friends to celebrate your pet's life;
3. Plant a tree or flowers in honor of your pet or over the area where your pet is buried in your yard;
4. Allow your child to keep the pet's special toy or collar, etc.;
5. Talk about your pet; discuss memories. Even if it makes you and the kids sad, it will also make you laugh remembering the good times;
6. Telling your child the pet went to sleep or went away will only make them feel worse that their pet abandoned them and could lead to other fears and issues; be clear in your description of death;
7. Make a plaster stepping stone or small monument in honor of your pet;
8. Get out photos of your pet for your child to look at; perhaps make an album dedicated to your pet;
9. Don't hide how you feel; grieve openly in front of your children; the grieving process is important; allow you and the children to go through it;
10. Read age appropriate books, like Desser, that help to convey the concept of pet death;
11. Don't be afraid to get a new pet, but wait until everyone in the family is ready; and
12. If you are not a pet lover and are not grieving this loss, but your child is, don't underestimate your child's grief; this is real and often extreme sadness.

Sources: ASPCA & Pet Loss Support Page

The Scoop

This is not the post I sat down to write, but these are the thoughts that came to my mind and these are the words that my fingertips nimbly brought to light. This was a very difficult post for me to write. In the next several years we face a great many losses with pets who range in age from 16 years to 8 years old.

Tomorrow I'll be discussing keeping kids safe around animals. Over and out...

Anna