Knowing When to Walk Away: Marriage v. Divorce

The Big "D"

Divorce has been on our minds lately. Not with regards to our own marriage, but rather that of a couple who means the world to us. We've been supporting, praying and talking with this couple about their marital issues for years now. They have been through every kind of counseling, therapist and retreat you can think of. They've tried and tried and tried to make it work, but it's just not working.

They have now come to the edge of the cliff and are standing toe to toe with the big "D" staring them in the eyes. The time has come to "fish or cut bait."

How Does It Come to This?

Years ago as a law clerk sitting in on dissolution hearings or working on dissolution orders, I used to wonder at what point did the couple in love turn into this couple who cared nothing for each other; this couple who could barely stand to look at each other. I think I have finally grasped the slow and steady transition that takes place with many couples who decide to end their marriages.

Once the "honeymoon period" passes, the couple, burdened by everyday life, drifts apart little by little over days, months and years. Without arguments, discussions and regular heart-to-heart communications this can lead to isolation, hurt feelings, miscommunication and anger. After a while, these feelings turn to resentment, then hatred and finally, worst of all, indifference settles in. In my opinion, once a couple reaches the indifference stage, it's over.

My Two Cents

My husband recently heard that a good marriage is 80% love and 20% hate. I hadn't heard this before, but it makes sense. You spend so much time together; you share so much; your differences become apparent; and those once cute quirks become extremely irritating. So, even couples who are relatively happy and love each other, still get frustrated with each other some of the time. That's just life.

DH and I have been married almost 13 years. This hardly qualifies me as an expert on marriage, but I do know that we've had our rough times and our good times and through it all, this is what I've learned:

• Marriage is hard work;
• You won't always like your spouse, and that's OK.;
• There's always tomorrow;
• Be honest, even if it might hurt feelings;
• Don't stifle your feelings; this will only lead to resentment;
• Talk, talk, talk and listen, listen, listen;
• It's alright to argue;
• But don't hit below the belt;
• Arguing and being mean are two different things;
• Admit when you've screwed up and ask for forgiveness;
• Always have each other's backs;
• Unify as a team, when possible;
• Spend time alone, even if it's in your home after the kids are in bed;
• Listen to your gut feelings;
• Third parties (friends, counselors, etc.) are not in the marriage; you and your spouse hold the keys to your happiness together;    
• If your marriage fails, you are not a failure; and
• Sometimes, marriage dissolution is better than staying married for the sake of staying married.

Life is short and shouldn't be spent constantly fighting with a spouse or feeling repressed and neglected by a spouse. The goal should be to be happy together most of the time and learn to accept as many of the quirks as possible. This will make you happy as an individual and as a couple.

But should the marriage be brought to its knees by an affair or addiction or other revelation or simply too many years of fighting against each other, know when to call it quits. A marriage is not in name and paper alone. A marriage is an action word; it's something you must be constantly tweaking and checking and repairing.

The Scoop

In the words of The Gambler, you've got to know when to fold 'em; know when to walk away; know when to run. A marriage is the same way. I would love to hear your tips for staying happily married {or mostly happily married}. And for the record, the photo in this post is of a pretty happy couple, at least for the time being. Over and out...

Anna

You might also like:

A Happy Home: Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce

Keep the Home Fire Burning: Tips for a Happy and Fulfilling Marriage

Life's Little Moments: The Beginning of the End of a Marriage

Comments

[Lori]

After almost 14 years of marriage I agree with what you've said here. We've had some pretty rough times and a lot of very happy ones. With young kids, life just gets crazier by the day. It's hard to find time to focus on each other. It's something we just have fo do. I think the biggest key is communication, even when it hurts. We also don't use the Big D in reference to our marriage. We dont joke about it. It's not an option. I think even in jest there can be seeds planted that help poison a relationship. We are in it for the long haul, no matter what. I know that doesn't work for everyone and some marriages may be better parting ways. We both come from a pretty long line of the big D and that's just what works for us.

[Sally]

The picture is great.I also have known couples who have gotten a divorce. I know it's hard,es. for the kids,but staying together for the kids is not good,either.I hope the couple you know will make the right decision.I hate that more and more people don't stay together any more.

[Heidi]

I think a lot of longer marriages fail because a mutual respect the couple once had, is gone. It's important to show your love and respect to your spouse and that's what works for us.
I love the picture of you and DH!

[LBraucks]

I think marriage is tons of work, like you said. It's also about commitment to the types of values you listed like communication, honesty, and working together even when you don't feel like it.

The main misconception about marriage is that it's about feelings e.g. "I don't feel like I'm in love with him/her anymore." Anyone who has been married awhile knows that loving, goo-goo, ga-ga feelings are not always there. The feelings follow the constant execution of those values like communication and honesty, and when both partners show some self-restraint (like choosing not to have an affair).

A marriage is truly broken when one partner is either harming the other person or him/herself, and refuses to do anything to change it.

My sister's friend had a husband that wanted his wife to be OK with him having a girlfriend. He even asked her if he could take their furniture to the new girlfriend's apartment! Obviously, he broke the commitment to his wife, didn't care to fix it and expected her to put up with it. In situations like these, I think it's time to call it quits.

[pb]

From Chuck Swindoll's radio program:
The 12 most important words in a marriage:
I am wrong.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
I love you.

[Kate]

Excellent comments Anna. And 13 years is a lot, by societal standards these days, and that's kind of sad when you think about it. We'll celebrate 9 this August, and I nod my head at all you wrote above.

[Anna]

Thanks, Kate! Marriage is certainly not easy, but we just keep trudging along, giving it our all. Congrats you all on 9 years! Thanks for reading!

Anna

[Anna]

Thanks, PB! Good advice for sure. I had not heard that before, but I like it & agree!

Anna

[Anna]

LBraucks

Thanks for your comment. I agree. It's about commitment. Sometimes one loses interest in trying to make it work and isn't committed anymore. And that makes it awfully hard for the committed one to do anything more!

Thanks for reading!

Anna

[Anna]

Thanks for your comment, Heidi. Words to live by for sure, respect is very important. Re: the photo, I snapped that photo myself, and if you look carefully, Abby's head is in the background.

Thanks, Anna

[Anna]

Thanks, Sally! The couple referenced filed for divorce the week I wrote this post. Ironically the nonfiler was served on the morning this post went live. I found out later that day, but I think they made the right decision for their family even though it makes me very sad.

Anna

[las vegas divorce lawyers]

I like your advices Anna. There are moments when you'll go through really tough times. But that doesn't mean you should give up on your partner. Unless you have already given your best shot, then it's time to let go.