Decisions, Decisions
I make decisions for my Darling Boys, intending to promote their welfare and wellbeing, every day. I try to balance the impact it will have on their lives now or in the future with the cost, unintended repercussions, their happiness and mine, their dreams and aspirations and a million other factors. Some of the decisions are small and mundane and others are big and significant. I am not alone in my decision making; their father, my husband, is also there to make such decisions with me.
What I can't imagine is making a decision about which days my Boys would spend with me in my house and which days my Boys would spend in their father's home with him – without me. I can't imagine missing out on a Christmas morning or a Thanksgiving meal or a birthday or any weekend or summer, etc. But there are thousands of families who do make these decisions and pull-through and form new bonds and reaffirm old bonds and go on living and growing just fine.
Marriage Dissolutions
There are many, many reasons why people get divorced. Some decisions to part ways come after long agonizing years of counseling and trying to make things work and others are made fairly quickly after learning of infidelities, addictions, untruths or other event(s). Regardless of the reason, it's never an easy decision and if children are involved the split is particularly painful for all family members.
Courts agree that the best persons to decide the custody arrangements for the children are the parents. The parents are the ones who love and know these young beings better than anyone else on earth. And yet, two parents who have decided to end their marriage are not always capable of making reasonable decisions together.
Custody Considerations
If the parents are unable to come to an agreement about the custody arrangements for their children, the court must step in and make the decision for the parents based on testimony and reports. The judge does not know these kids. The judge may or may not understand 3 year-old boys or 8 year-old girls; and the judge certainly doesn't know that your daughter loves to read Fancy Nancy books or that your son loves honey and bread sandwiches or that your daughter can't sleep without a nightlight or that your son wakes every morning at precisely 6:15 a.m.
In particularly nasty fights, after all of the dirty laundry has been shared with the court, most likely thanks to the battling spouses, the judge will probably wonder if either parent is fit to have custody. The judge will consider information from counselors, teachers, babysitters, psychologists, the parents, etc. And then, the court will have to make a decision based on what he or she thinks is in the best interest of the children.
There are a number of considerations the judge must look at when making such a grave decision:
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Who is the primary caretaker of the children?
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Who is the child's preference for primary physical custody?
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Are there any mental or physical health concerns for the parents?
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Are there any mental or physical health concerns for the child(ren)?
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Are there any religious or cultural considerations?
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Is there an issue regarding maintaining a stable home environment?
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What is the age and sex of the child(ren)?
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Is there any evidence of drug, alcohol, emotional, physical or sex abuse?
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What is the level of contact and relationships with other family members in the area?
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How will school enrollment and other activities be impacted?
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What are the employment situations/schedules of the parents?
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What are the financial situations of the parents?
The court considers these and other unique factors in each case and tries to determine what would be best for the children based on the information he or she has been given. In some instances, if the children are older, the judge will talk with the children involved to determine what the children's preference is and why.
Custody Arrangements
Many parents wish to opt for a shared joint physical custody situation. A true joint physical custody arrangement means the children are spending equal amounts of time with each parent; meaning 3 to 4 nights per parents each week. This arrangement can be very hard on kids. It doesn't allow them to truly have one location to call home and often disrupts school and extracurricular activities. This setup can also be a hindrance for kids trying to make or keep friends, especially if a new school or neighborhood is involved.
A true joint physical custody plan is often chosen by the parents to appease the guilt and sadness of the parents. Courts are cognizant of this fact, and rarely agree to a true joint physical custody arrangement. Instead, courts more often give one parent primary physical custody with both parents jointly sharing legal custody. The judge must always put the kids' interests ahead of the parents' interests, which can be quite different from each other, especially given the anger that often accompanies a marriage dissolution.
One thing to remember about custody arrangements is that it isn't set in stone. One or both parents or the children can come back to court and ask for a modification of the original order. Physical or legal custodians can be changed; child support amounts can be raised or lowered; any other arrangements set out in the original order can be modified; and new issues that arise as the children grow and mature can be addressed by the court, as well.
The Scoop
Divorce is hard for all members of the family; there's no denying that regardless of what brought the marriage to the brink of an abyss. Fighting over the kids makes it infinitely more terrible for everyone. I'm not saying not to fight tooth and nail for your kids if that is the best thing for them, but if it's the best thing for you, think twice. Over and out...
Anna
You might also like:
A Happy Home: Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce
A Change in Circumstance: Modification of a Child Support Order
Keep the Home Fire Burning: Tips for a Happy and Fulfilling Marriage
Life's Little Moments: The Beginning of the End of a Marriage
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