When Staying Isn’t an Option: Tips for Identifying an Abuser and Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Sleeping with the Enemy 

When I think of an abusive relationship, I think of the movie Sleeping with the Enemy starring Julia Roberts. Julia is quite compelling. Watching that movie I feel the fear and apprehension Julia's character felt as an abused woman. Her husband made my skin crawl and my shoulders tense, even before the audience knows of his abuse.

Julia's character does not merely decide to leave and simply walk out the door hoping all works out for her. Instead, she has spent months preparing for this day; she has plotted every step and planned every minute detail; with exception to the fact that her wedding ring is too heavy to be flushed down the toilet. And this one tiny oversight leads to her discovery. And yet in the end, all turns out alright. Of course, that's a movie, and we're talking about real life.

The Rational Approach

I write not as someone who has experienced this in a relationship and do not pretend to know how stressful and scary it is to be in such a situation. Tips about how to leave an abuser that seem practical in theory may not be in practice. Ideas that seem reasonable, rational and safe may not actually work when dealing with someone who is clearly unreasonable, irrational and drunk, high and/or emotionally unstable. With all of this in mind, I will offer these seemingly good tips for spotting the signs of an abuser and leaving such a relationship.

Tips for Identifying an Abuser

Some abusive relationships are easy to spot, both for the person in the relationship, as well as that person's friends, family and co-workers. Other relationships may appear to be healthy, happy relationships to people on the outside, but for the person(s) in the home it may be a different story.

In general, people think of the abuser as male and the abused as female, but that's not always the case. The abuser can be male or female. The abuser may torment his or her spouse, partner, girlfriend or boyfriend; children or step-children; and/or pets. The abuse could be mental, financial or physical or a combination of those. Here are some tips for determining if you are in an abusive relationship:

Does your partner/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/other…

1. Control your finances, whereabouts, appearance, choices, etc.;
2. Get jealous of friends, family, etc.;
3. Embarrass or belittle you;
4. Lose his or her temper and become violent;
5. Dictate who you can see, where you can go and what you can do;
6. Blame you for his or her emotional state or temper;
7. Physically hurt you;
8. Pressure you to do things you don't want to;
9. Use alcohol or drugs; or
10. Have a history of abuse?

If you answer yes to any of these warning signs, then you are probably in an explosive, unhealthy relationship, and you should consider ending the relationship. At the very least, you should consider counseling for both you and the abuser.

Tips for Leaving the Abuser

For someone who is in an abusive relationship or has been in one in the past, he or she knows it's harder than just making a split second decision to leave and doing it; especially if you have kids. It takes planning and saving and courage to leave such a relationship. In fact, I found one statistic that said on average the abused leaves seven times before never coming back to the abuser.

Unless it's an emergency situation that you need to leave immediately, think about where you will go and what you will need before you leave. Here are some tips to make leaving the relationship easier and avoid having to come back to the residence:

1. Plan ahead by saving and stashing money in a safe place outside the home or give it to a trusted family member or friend to keep until you need it;
2. Have a set of keys outside the residence; in a magnetic case under the vehicle; or with a trusted neighbor who understands the situation;
3. Collect and remove from residence all legal/financial/personal documents. www.AARDVARC.org provides this list of examples of important documents to gather before you leave:

   a. Identification for self
   b. Children's birth certificates
   c. Birth certificate for self
   d. Social security cards
   e. School and vaccination records
   f. Money
   g. Checks & ATM card
   h. Credit cards
   i. Keys - house/car/office
   j. Driver's license and registration
   k. Welfare identification, work permits, Green card
   l. Passport(s), Divorce papers
   m. Medical records
   n. Lease/rental agreement, deeds, mortgage payment book, car payment book or other bills
   o. Bank books, Insurance papers
   p. Pet licenses, vet receipts or paperwork establishing your ownership
   q. Password to any online accounts

4. Have an emergency escape plan, if necessary;
5. Make arrangements with trusted family members, friends or a shelter for you and your children to stay at a safe location once you leave;
6. Make sure that trusted friends, family, co-workers and neighbors understand the situation and will not divulge any information to the abuser if abuser calls or comes looking for you;
7. Make a list of contact information for crisis agencies/shelter/police/support groups
8. Take any valuables, pets or anything with sentimental value with you. If possible, bring your cell phone and a laptop computer;
9. Bring any evidence of the abuse with you: photos, notes, police reports, hospital reports, broken or torn items or other evidence. You will need it in Court.
10. Be sure to take any prescription drugs you and/or children might need;
11. Pack and plan as if you won't be coming back ever.

While leaving will not solve your problems altogether, it can be a first step to safety and normalcy. Once you leave, be prepared that your abuser will more than likely try to find you by contacting every family member, friend, neighbor and co-worker. It's important that once you and your children are safe that you file a police report, get a protective order (Monday's Post) and if necessary, retain an attorney (if your abuser is a parent of your children or if you are married to the abuser or own property together, etc.). You may qualify for a pro bono attorney. Check with your local agencies that provide support to persons trying to leave an abusive relationship.

Websites

Here are some websites with great information and resources for those in abusive relationships:

• http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page11.htm There's more in depth information about what to take when preparing to leave the abuser and other helpful information.
• http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml This link has an emergency plan form and lots of other informative and helpful information regarding abusive relationships.
• http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=13427&state_code=PG Lots of useful information on this site.

The Scoop

A few words or warning: a protective order is just a piece of paper and may not deter a desperate, irrational, upset abuser; and if you use a computer the abuser has access to beware that the abuser could track your Internet use and view the history of the pages you have visited, etc. Most libraries have computers with Internet that can be used at no cost. This is a good option if you are concerned about your abuser having access to the computer you use. Be Safe. And take of yourself and your children.

On Friday, I'll post a bit of Motherly Advice. Over and out…

Anna

You might also like:

Getting Over the Shock: How to Handle Being Bullied as an Adult

Bringing up Baby: Tips for Raising "Good People"

A Happy Home: Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce

Comments

[TLM]

Sobering thoughts in this time of "merry making". We all hope that someone in need of this valuable information and encouragement reads this post and acts to change his or her life and that of the families involved. And may God bless and protect them!! Thanks for thinking of the abused at this time when incidents are increased.

[Anna]

Thanks for your comment, TLM. I hope someone finds this post helpful.

Anna

[Emily]

Thank you Anna for this very, very important post. My courageous mother left an extremely abusive relationship when I was 12 and my brother was 3. You're right in saying that leaving won't solve all the problems but will be a "step to safety and normalcy." 16 years later, I can say that we've all arrived and are happily settled into normal. I hope that other courageous victims will use the advice you've compiled so that they can too can become survivors.

[Anna]

Thank you for sharing, Emily. I'm glad you and your family survived and are doing well now. I do hope that it will reach and help at least one person in need of direction. This post is by no means a "be all and end of" of information regarding abusive relationships, but meant as a starting point for getting help or getting out.

Thanks for reading and commenting, Anna

[Tracy]

My two year marriage was very abusive. The divorce is finally finalized (two weeks ago), but the stalking continues. I'm tired of living in fear and my little girl has panic attacks. January is stalking awareness month: http://www.stalkingawarenessmonth.org/

However, I'm finding scarce resources or support. Any suggestions?

[Anna]

Tracy, I sent you an email regarding info on resources. Thanks so much for tipping me off on stalking awareness month. You can see I followed your lead. Please email me with more specifics regarding the types of resources you are looking for in your state.

Thanks, Anna