A Happy Home: Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce

Lessons from Home

Everyone is always concerned about the children when the parents decide to end their marriage. How will the split affect the children? How are the children handling the divorce? These are valid questions. A divorce certainly affects everyone in the household, as well as extended family and friends. It's an awkward situation. Emotions are confused. Loyalty skewed. But quite honestly I believe that if the parents are fighting nonstop or angry and resentful towards each other, even if silently doing so, the children living in the midst of that storm will feel the cold and bitter rain as a result of the fallout.

I think that holding on to a marriage simply for the kids' sake teaches the wrong lesson. I think it teaches the kids that a parent's happiness is not important and if you make a mistake you are stuck with it with no way out, regardless of the toll it takes on the family. I think a bad, unhappy, unfulfilling marriage fails to show kids what a marriage is supposed to be; how great a marriage can and should be; that a marriage is supposed to be a positive attachment. Staying married at all costs does not teach a child that it's OK to leave a bad and/or dangerous situation and forge ahead on one's own. Personally, that is not what I want to teach my Darling Boys about love and marriage.

A House Built of Love

Darling 1 has informed me that there is no reason to look any further, dear old mom is the one for him. I shall be his wife, and he is never moving out of our house; or so he reports at the ripe age of 4. Clearly, we still have a long way to go before Darling 1 and Darling 2 find spouses to settle down with and create their own families, but it's never too early to start modeling the behavior you want your kids to pick up and put into practice. My goal is to create a loving, peaceful and calm household. Unfortunately, we are not always peaceful or calm. By nature I, DH and the Darling Boys are all stubborn yellers and debaters. This is something we are all working on. Regardless of our boisterous tendencies, we do all love and care about it each other through thick and thin. And that is what we have to remember.

Tips for Easing the Confusion of a Divided House

When a marriage ends and one family divides into two families it can be a difficult, confusing, upsetting, disorienting time for the kids. After all it's the children who will have to maintain two residences. It's the children who may have to change schools, leaving behind friends and teachers. It's the children who have their established routines uprooted and rescheduled to work with the custody plan that works with the parents' locations and schedules. It's the children who have to try to keep up relationships with both parents, regardless of who the custodial parent is and regardless of what the parents think of each other.

Even though in the end, both parents may be better, happier, well-adjusted individuals and parents, which is a positive for the kids involved, there is a lot of pressure, stress and emotional upheaval during the divorce proceedings and in the early stages of post-divorce, for the kids and the parents. It's vital that the parents work together to provide as much stability and normalcy as possible, as well as providing a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and lots of love and support.

Children and Divorce: Helping Kids Cope with Separation and Divorce offers these simply, but powerful tips: 

• Help Kids Express Feelings

For kids, divorce can feel like loss: the loss of a parent, the loss of the life they know. You can help your children grieve and adjust to new circumstances by supporting their feelings.

• Listen. Encourage your child to share their feelings and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected. 
• Help them find words for their feelings. It's normal for children to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk.
• Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. If they aren't able to share it, they will have a harder time working through it.
• Acknowledge their feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand. 

 

• Clearing Up Misunderstandings

Many kids believe that they had something to do with the divorce, recalling times they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. You can help your kids let go of this misconception.

• Set the record straight. Repeat why you decided to get a divorce. Sometimes hearing the real reason for your decision can help.
• Be patient. Kids may seem to "get it" one day and be unsure the next. Treat your child's confusion or misunderstandings with patience.
• Reassure. As often as you need to, remind your children that both parents will continue to love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce.

 

• Give Reassurance and Love

Children have a remarkable ability to heal when given the support and love they need. Your words, actions, and ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your children of your unchanging love.

• Both parents will be there. Let your kids know that even though the physical circumstances of the family unit will change, they can continue to have healthy, loving relationships with both of their parents.
• It'll be okay. Tell kids that things won't always be easy, but that they will work out. Knowing it'll be all right can provide incentive for your kids to give a new situation a chance.
• Closeness. Physical closeness—in the form of hugs, pats on the shoulder, or simple proximity—has a powerful way of reassuring your child of your love.
• Be honest. When kids raise concerns or anxieties, respond truthfully. If you don't know the answer, say gently that you aren't sure right now, but you'll find out and it will be okay.

Here is a good list of Don'ts from the Mayo Clinic:

• Don't speak badly about your spouse in front of your child.
• Don't make accusations against your spouse in front of your child.
• Don't force your child to choose sides.
• Don't use your child as a messenger or go-between.
• Don't argue or discuss child support issues in front of your child.
• Don't pump your child for information about the other parent.
• Don't use your child as a pawn to hurt the other parent.

Websites

Both of these websites have great information about how to tell your kids about the divorce and what it means to how much information and what type of information to tell your kids to how to take care of yourself, mentally and physically, as you go through this life change to ensure that you continue to be the best parent you can be to how to handle your child if he or she acts out during this difficult time, etc. There is a wealth of knowledge on this topic at both of these sites:

http://helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm

http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/help_child_divorce.html# 

This website lists a variety of activities to do with your kids to start conversations about the divorces; discuss feelings and emotions; provide practical information, like new addresses, name changes, etc. The suggestions include physical activities like running or bike riding to help in dealing with the emotions or drawing pictures to express feelings. There are activities listed for children of all ages. This is a great resource for helping your kids cope with what divorce is and what it means for each family member involved: http://californiadivorce.info/psychology.children.activities.htm

The Scoop

What's the best thing a parent can give a child? The answer: Stability, unending love and support, acceptance, and the tools to become an honest, happy, respectful, independent, well-adjusted adult. How does a parent impart all of these key pieces of knowledge? The answer: Everyone has a different way of teaching their kids, but for some people that will mean leaving a bad situation, starting fresh, learning a new life, being happy and being true to oneself. And by the way, I do happen to know some exceptional people who are excellent parents whose parents divorced when they were young children. A divorce does not define who someone is or who someone will become.

What are your thoughts on this subject? I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment. On Friday, I will post a bit of Motherly Advice. Over and out…

Anna

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Comments

[Nic]

Well said, Anna!

[Susan Berend]

Thank you Anna for sharing....my best friend is going through all of this right now, and I passed this on to her. It is hard to know what to say to her sometimes. So thank you!!!

[Anna]

Thanks! I'm glad it was helpful.I appreciate your support in reading, Nic and Susan!

Anna

[Heidi]

Do you really want me to comment? I totally disagree, but you know that. I never think of myself as a traditional woman but in this matter I am. The best thing for a child is to have his/her parents under the same roof, not meeting in parking lots to drop the kids off every other weekend. In a perfect world we would never say anything disrespectful about our spouse/ex-spouse (esp. in front of kids) but sometimes it just slips out!

[Missy]

I am going through a divorce right now. And believe me, the BEST thing for my children is that their parents no longer live together. I agonized over the decision for a long time. Was in marriage counseling for 4 years. And although the separation has been terribly painful for everyone ... I have truly seen my children's behavior and sense of confidence change for the better now that they aren't in such a toxic, painful, angry environment.

My reason for trying to fix my bad marriage? My kids. A big part of staying in a bad marriage for so long was... my kids. And eventually, leaving my bad marriage? Was for my kids.

Let me be bold in saying that NO parent ever takes the decision to get divorced lightly. I am a well-educated, professional, traditional, Catholic, God-fearing republican and ya know what? Even though divorce doesn't fit into my values - neither does staying in a bad marriage where my children and I were miserable.

[Sahd Story]

While my impeding divorce is definitely what is best for me and my ex, there is no way it is what is best for my son. It doesn't mean that it isn't necessary, just that it is not what is best for my son.

[Anna]

Thank you all for your honest opinions on divorce and the issues surrounding divorce.I appreciate the comments and welcome the discussion. Clearly, I have not gone through a divorce personally, but have watched many families going through this process in the court system during my years as a judicial law clerk. As with any major life change, it is not easy to do, can be painful, stressful, frustrating and many other unpleasant things, but that doesn't mean that in the long run it wasn't the best thing to do for yourself, for your spouse, for your kids. No one can look into a marriage from the outside and truly know what it is like to be in that marriage. And that is my opinion.

Thanks for reading, Anna

[New Jersey divorce attorney]

These are all really great tips. I was completely unsure how to explain to my kids what exactly was going to happen and how to comfort them about the whole situation.